A long term decision and being at peace

Brothers and Sisters! Today is Monday, January 15th, which marks exactly two months since I entered the MTC. 

Well, its been a really crazy week. As I mentioned in my last email, it was also an important week because on Wednesday, I got results from all of the medical tests I did. Before I get into that though, I wanted to reiterate how much I love my Father in Heaven. He has been with me every step of the way and often, I never thank him or recognize until later that He was the reason things worked out. I just wanted to challenge you to remember him in all that you do. When you make hard decisions, counsel with him first. If you do so, I promise the decision you make will always be the right one. 

So! Wednesday was a big day!! I went into the appointment at around 4:00 and I was the last one in the office for the day. Doctor Clark looked through all of my scans, bloodwork, and the EEG. He did another quick physical exam in the room and then we sat and talked for a bit. 

I wasnt really sure what to think or to expect. I didn't want anything to be wrong of course, but I really didn't want NOTHING to be wrong either. Again, it was another opportunity for me to let Heavenly Father take charge and let me trust his planning more fully. 

Well, I got what I wanted, but I also got what I didn't want. The tests came back all clear. Everything was completely normal and there was no medical explanation at this point for what had been going on. But, I was also told by my counselor that he didn't think it was anxiety related?

Luckily, It didn't seem to really matter because the doctor told us that as soon as we were ready, he would sign it off so we could start the process of a speedy return. Which of course was exciting and I was thrilled, but also I was questioning everything. Why did I even get sent home? If Heavenly Father knew this would only be a temporary illness and that it would've started healing itself, why was I sent home at all? 

I very quickly got myself excited for a speedy return rather than asking why I was home.. I emailed my district in PA that very night about the results and I told them that I would be returning much sooner than anticipated. A few of them even emailed me back and told me that they were so excited to see me again. I was so excited to see them and all I want is to be there. 

The very night that I get the all clear from my doctors, and after I sent that email to my district, I find myself waking up to my muscles spazzing and tremoring for the first time in 12 days. The next TWO days I was super lightheaded and dizzy all the time. Again, I was just so frustrated.. 

I've been praying a lot this week. I just feel so much pressure and stress about being home because 1) I dont want to be here, and 2) I cant plan for anything. I don't know when I will get to leave so I cant say for sure that I can attend events in April or May. I can't plan on diving into a calling because at any time, I could get the phone call to return. I feel the pressure to speed through my classes because what if I have to leave and I'm not finished? 

My body was failing me, then it was fine. Then it was failing me, then again, it was just fine. CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON PLEASE. 

I realized something though this week that led me to make some decisions. I had been praying for something to help me through this process. I had asked my heavenly father to help me to return as quickly as possible. Yet, every time I think about WHEN I can return, HOW I will get to that point, and WHY its taking such a long time, I get uneasy and anxious. Its a righteous desire, to return right away, but it stressed me out to no end. Again, I couldn't plan on anything. I couldn't promise anything either. And as soon as I felt healthy enough to return, my body would tell me otherwise and I would get upset and angry again.  I just wanted to do what I wanted. And that still wasnt what Heavenly Father wanted. 

So, I started thinking about the idea of staying longer. I started getting in the mindset of staying until the first of June, completing the dreaded 6 months of being home. I hated the thought, but honestly, I felt so much peace about it. 

Those of you who read my emails immediately after I returned home will remember that being told I was stuck here for 6 months was my worst nightmare. I was convinced I wasn't going to survive such a time away from my mission. Yet, here I am, feeling at peace about that decision. 

I counseled with my parents and some family. 'Ive been in contact with my Stake President. We all feel as though this is what Heavenly Father wants for me. 

Its incredible that the one thing I didn't want more than anything at all, proved to also be the one thing that made me feel more at peace than everything else. 

So, unless Heavenly Father makes another major change in my plans ( Something he has a tendency to do lately, haha ), the new plan is to stick around until the first of June. I am upset that my mission seems so much farther away, but somehow.. I'm learning to be okay with that. I know I will be a much better missionary for having to wait. For having to fight the great fight to return. And even though I could be there right now, Ill be all the more grateful to be there then. 

Last Tuesday, I wrote up this entry that I wanted to share with you in conclusion to this lengthy email ( Sorry! ). 

Tuesday, January 9th

So, I sent out and email literally just yesterday, but I already have some things I just need to get off of my chest. Today is Tuesday and it was a fairly normal day. I did about 5 hours of my independant study courses, had dinner with my cousins, and played mario cart with my family. Tomorrow I have one more appointment and I will hopefully get some results..

I was over at my place just sitting on the couch by myself. Out of the blue I just started panicking. I don't know where it came from but it was as if I was still in the MTC, just being told that I was going home early panic. 

I was sitting there and I just started sobbing because nothing seemed real to me. I wasn't actually at home, THIS wasn't happening to me. I was completely overwhelmed out of nowhere. 

As the weeks have slowly gone by, I have come to terms with the reality of my situation and, in some instances, have even learned to be okay with it. My health would be problematic, but then it wouldn't. My body will start to feel weird again, and then the next day it would be fine. Emotionally, I've been SO much better lately and my mind has shifted from what could have been, to what could be. 

But again, tonight I just lost my mind a little bit. I miss my mission. I miss it a lot. 

Its really hard not to think about what I WOULD have been doing if I were there right now, at this very moment in time. I think back to my first day at the MTC often and ask myself if I would have done anything differently if I went in knowing I would be sent home only 3 and a half weeks later. Was there anything I could have done to fight this? Was there anything I could have said that I didn't say? If I had made ANY of these changes at all would I still be wearing my nametag right now? 

I could have tried harder. Or maybe I could have prayed more. I could have participated more in class and could have asked more questions. I could have feasted upon the words of Christ and I could have studied his doctrine more often. I could have served my district and could have attended the temple EVERY P day. I could've packed with all of my sisters in preparation for our MTC departure. I could've said goodbye to my teachers Sister Pito and Brother Chueng formally. I could have sincerely thanked them. I could have woken up at 3 am to board the flight to Pittsburgh with my district. I could have arrived with my new family and could've met President and Sister Bednar. I could've shaken his hand and with a smile on my face, introduced myself as Sister Westover from Springfield Oregon, prepared to serve with all of my heart. But I didnt. I could have done all of this. I could still be there. 

But up until this evening, whenever I thought about the MTC or my mission at home, it was never what COULD have been. It was always what WAS. 

My Mission was waking up at 3 am in Springfield to board a flight to Provo Utah on November 14th, 2017. My Mission was saying goodbye to my family for three and a half weeks. My Mission was meeting my beautiful companion Sister Skinner on November 15th, 2017 and learning that she and I made a wonderful pair. My Mission was realizing that my district was made up of some of the most incredible people I have ever been blessed to meet. My Mission was sitting on the edge of my seat when Brother Chueng hopped up on his soap box, ready to take as many notes as possible. My Mission was Thanksgiving in the MTC, service, and study. My Mission was Sister Peterson's closet and the 33 skirts she brought with her. My Mission was Sister Hills laughter when she read the Book of Mormon as if Elder Lopez was reading it. My Mission was learning to never let my feet hang off of the top bunk for fear of Sister Skinner tickling them. My Mission was singing hymns in the shower stalls with Sister Willes every morning. My Mission was discovering that I could NEVER be companions with Sister Green because we keep laughing at each others faces. My Mission was watching Elder Norton draw the hand of God during a devotional. My Mission was wishing Elder Hale a Happy Birthday EVERY single day because everyone apparently always forgets to. My Mission was admiring Elder Vimahi and his quiet strength in all things. My Mission was teaching a discussion with my companion to Elder Guinn and feeling as though just maybe, we could actually do this. My Mission was chocolate milk and ice cream. It was volleyball and kickball. It was battling a health issue that came out of nowhere. It was having faith that Heavenly Father was aware of me and was aware of my desires. It was missing classes in order to listen to what my body was telling me. It was going to doctors appointments. It was meeting with counselors. It was getting blood drawn and picking up prescriptions. It was finding myself in a position where a choice had to be made. 

My Mission was three and a half weeks long. My Mission was to go home early. 

Right now, if you asked me what I would have changed, the only thing I would probably tell you is that I wish I never had to come home. 

But, if staying out meant that my MTC experience was different in any way.. I'm not really sure that I would change anything at all. 

My Mission IS learning to trust God. My Mission is discovering what my motivation is and why I want this. My Mission is allowing myself to be upset and to hurt for a while. My Mission is to stop worrying about tomorrow and to focus on today. 

My Mission is right here and right now. My Mission is hard. My Mission is painful. But its MY Mission. 

My Mission isn't all that it could have been. But it IS all that it should be. 

Sister Westover 

A Health and Life update

Hi all!

Sorry I didnt get an email out for last week. I honestly wrote one up but it turned into more of a conversation TO myself about the things I need to re focus on. I almost sent it, but it was kinda weird to be honest. So, Ill re cap as much as I remember about the past 2 weeks. 

I had Christmas with my family this year. It was really hard for me because that was something I had really looked forward to as a missionary in the field... Skyping home and receiving a special package from my family...serving and testifying of Christ. Anyways, it was tough but it was also necessary.

That week was kinda brutal on me. That Wednesday I went to my Neurologist for the first time, Doctor Clark. A woman in our ward referred us to him because he was LDS and was super awesome. I am SOOO grateful because this doctor has turned out to be a lifesaver. I went in and he did a quick physical exam and we just talked about the situation. I repeated the same story for the thousandth time.. there was a massage.. couldn't feel my body.. Ambulance ride.. it kept happening.. got sent home.. cried a lot.. and its still happening.. please help.. SOS... etc etc.

He ordered more tests to be done to rule out some of the more serious causes. We went to schedule the tests he ordered and it was a huge tender mercy because they could get me in to do the blood work on the SAME day and they scheduled a brainwave test, EEG, the following day. This ladies and gentleman is simply unheard of in the medical world. Usually its weeks! Not days! Such a blessing.

So, I went in immediately after to get a bunch of blood drawn, but as I mentioned in previous emails, I have TINY VEINS. EVERY SINGLE TIME I get blood drawn, they miss my vein and start digging for it so I end up super bruised and they have to try it somewhere else anyways. I went into this already super lightheaded but dismissed it because I was tired of telling people I didn't feel good. Yeah, stupid mistake.

After she finally got blood to come out of my hand, I waited and waited for her to be done taking the samples, she took it out, and I totally started blacking out and falling over. What a blast!! We spent another 20 minutes there while I regained my strength and consciousness so my Dad could try to half walk me and half carry me out. 

Super glad that was over and I went home to sleep off the dizziness. The next day, I had an EEG brainwave test. I went into a separate room with a huge machine with cords all over and a little bed off to the side. I was in there with a nurse for 2 hours. She put this medical net on my head with little electrodes all over it and stuck each one to my scalp. The net was previously soaking in Johnsons baby shampoo so at least I smelled good right? 

She did some weird tests.. She asked me to close my eyes and to look in different directions. Its like she could tell where I was looking because of the machine. It was CRAZY! She then needed me to do a hyperventilation test and I had to breathe really heavily nonstop for three whole minutes and I warned her that I do have a tendency to pass out lately. It was also a BLAST. I love getting super dizzy at the hospital! After that she had me lay on the bed for 45 minutes and asked me to try to sleep so she could monitor my brain activity. Luckily (And unluckily) my body started spazzing a little bit, not a lot, but enough to hopefully pick something up on the machine.

The day immediately after that, I had scheduled an appointment with an LDS family services counselor and he was really awesome. He just listened to everything going on RIGHT NOW. I didn't have to tell him about the health issues. I could just talk about the fact that I was home from my mission and we worked through the feelings of anger and disappointment. It was amazing and SO needed.

Okay, so 2 weeks ago I was basically really sick and in bed most of the time. BUT last week was pretty crazy too! 

Another tender mercy happened! My grandma called my Mom one day and said she was reading the Ensign, (The January 2018 issue) and there was an article in it about returning home early from a mission!!!  This sister returned, get this, three and a half weeks into the MTC due to health issues. Is this article about me?? I was amazed. She offered some great advice about how to keep yourself busy while trying to get back out on your mission. In fact, because of the article, I signed up for three BYU independant study courses. I'm taking all religion classes so I can get a head start on those credits, but also so I can stay focused on my missionary goal. Such a blessing!! 

Last Wednesday, I had another appointment up in Albany for a spine and a neck MRI with and without contrast. Okay, wait contrast? What on Earth does that mean?? Well. Let me tell you. 

I go in, and they do the MRI for about 30 to 45 minutes. Great, I can go now? NOPE. They needed to do the entire MRI over now, WITH what is called contrast. Okay??? 

I shortly found out that I was about to get stuck with a few more needles. They had to inject a special high contrast dye in my bloodstream so it would show up in the pictures of the MRI. And yes, the nurse missed my veins twice. The second time, she really DUG into my hand and it was SO painful but she really thought she could get it. NOPE. Because she missed, she injected a nice pool of dye in my hand and it started swelling and turned blue over time because of bruising. Fun right?? After waiting a few minutes, she tried once more and thank heavens she got it! We were both rejoicing, haha. 

Other than the day I got that MRI done, last week I felt SO good. Almost normal even! It was seriously such a great blessing from my heavenly father. I really needed to focus on what is most important. I was so focused on how I was feeling the week before, that I found myself no longer caring what the outcome was in the long term. I just wanted to sleep all the time. Mission, no mission.. mission? Maybe not? Honestly I didn't know why all of a sudden I was questioning that decision. So last week, with my health back up, I really focused on my purpose as a missionary. And holy cow I just want to go RIGHT NOW SERIOUSLY. 

A Sister from my district in the MTC sent me the sweetest package a while ago. I opened the mailbox, saw her name on it and started weeping. Sister Willes is one of the kindest and most thoughtful people ever and I seriously love her a lot. She got me a music composition book and its just beautiful. 

We had originally scheduled to follow up with my neurologist on February 12th. Almost a month from now. 

My Mom stopped by their office just to let them know we had finished all of the tests when the lady up front said, "I know we have you scheduled for February, but Doctor Clark but Charlotte's name on his emergency list. He can get her in on Wednesday if you would like." We absolutely rescheduled right then and there. I feel so blessed. Heavenly Father is looking out for me and I am grateful that my neurologist is so understanding of how important returning on my mission is to me. He even put me on an emergency list that had very few spots. 

So, this Wednesday, I get some real results!! I honestly don't even know what to expect at this point. Do I want them to find something? I mean, yeah kinda.. But I also really don't.. Because if we can sign off on this being some injury that has gone away or has started to heal itself, I might as well already be on a plane with a nametag close to my heart. 

Brothers and Sisters I love you dearly. Thank you so much for being with me on this journey. I didn't realize how many of you read these emails and are caught up with my story until I didn[t get one sent out last week, haha. 

I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true. Just saying his name will often bring me to tears. In the MTC, I was taught that whenever we say Christs name in a sacred setting, the spirit will ALWAYS enter the room. 

I am also so grateful for the opportunity I get to REALLY study the Book of Mormon while doing these online classes. I can testify to you that this Book is the most correct book of any on the Earth. And that by prayerfully reading and studying it, we can come to know for ourselves that the spirit teaches, Christ lives, and God loves. 

Cant wait to see what this "unexpected" road will take me on next. Thanks for coming with me 

Love ya!

Sister Westover 

Christmas at home and Let it Go

Really difficult week and I just need to be honest. I have no clue what I am doing anymore. 

It's essentially pretty simple to keep up the emails and to talk about hard things that are going on. I actually quite enjoy the weekly pep talk I feel like I'm giving as a strength to others, when in reality it's helping me work through things for myself. 

You talk first about the exciting things that happened, and then you talk about some of the more difficult moments in your week.   You acknowledge God's tender mercies and remember them when you are talking about the darker times you had.   BUT no matter how horrible the week was or how hard it was to go through a few tough things, you wrap up your email, praising Christ, trusting God, and sharing hope. 

Today, obviously I would like to write in the same way, but I also want you to know that there are SO many moments when I just don't feel that pure love. It isn't always peaches and cream at the end of a difficult week. Happy endings don't ALWAYS come one week after you went through that storm.  I can't always bring myself to say that I know that if I trust God, things will work out. I'm stubborn sometimes. I don't always trust God and hand over the reins just like that. I like to hold on tight until I have a handle on a situation that is seemingly spiraling out of control. Then, I like to let God tell me I did a good job by sending me blessings after I made it through the fire. I'm enduring to the end, am I not? 

But what if the initial fire and turmoil "gifted" to us, isn't the REAL trial at all? Yeah, it's hard and we will absolutely learn from it, but what if God has another more valuable "gift," wrapped up from within the big one? 

I'm using this "gift" analogy mostly because of the holiday, but let me give you an example as to what I mean. 

A little over two weeks ago, I was sent home early from my mission. I left the MTC, agonizing over this new change in my plans, said goodbye to the district I grew to love, and came home to friends and family that I wasn't supposed to see again for another 17 months.   I'm HOME. And I never thought being in such a place of security and comfort would fill me with such anguish and uneasiness. Distraction is a beautiful thing when everything around you is a reminder of where you COULD be, when you aren't. 

This week has been filled with more questions and speculations as to what could be wrong health wise. Still no solid answers, but lots and lots of opinions.. which could be a good thing, but right now? I could care less about what's wrong. I just want back out and for some reason, if I just try hard enough to make this stop on my own, I start thinking I will get back out sooner. I start thinking that by shear will alone, I will get my wish.

More emotional breakdowns this week than last. More of me trying to hold things together and to act like I have a plan in place. More and more trying to find joy in the ugliness of today, when all I want to do is to sit and to allow myself to be upset. Why can't I just let this be hard right now? Why can't I just curl up into a ball and cry over something that I have already cried about on multiple occasions? Yeah, I wish I could've moved on from this and let it go too, but right now, I just can't. 

More serving with the sister missionaries this week. I love them to pieces. They help to fill even the smallest desire to continue serving like I thought I would be doing in PA. As fun and as beautiful as this opportunity is, I can't help but wish I was wearing MY nametag. I could introduce myself as Sister Westover. But instead, my name is Charlotte, a member on splits. 

Received emails notifying me that my missionary email would be shut down if I was home for more than 6 months. Received a phone call from the missionary department, thanking me for my service as a missionary. They sent me two more emails with talks from general authorities about readjusting to life after serving a full time mission. I'm sure you can just imagine my thought process when I received these things. I'll let you decide how I reacted instead of me writing it out here, haha. 

Today, I wished I was having my first Christmas as a missionary. I wished I was having dinners with those members, I wished I was skyping my family from the other side of the country, I wished my companion and I could open up stockings and gifts from our families together.   Instead, I learned to ignore the notifications sent to me from my facebook missionary page showing all of these families seeing their missionary on a big screen on this Christmas day. Well, guess what?? I get to see my family in person on Christmas day. Beat that.. 

Even still, being home doesnt seem like the better option here. 

What can I say. I MISS my MISSION. And being HERE hurts a lot. 

Back to my silly gift analogy though, I did have a point to that. I think...

I do know that God loves us and knows us individually. As I mentioned before, I am fairly independent and want to take control of a situation gone wrong. I feel like I can fix it and then things will be okay. 

Heavenly Father knows that about me. He knows that I am aware that He is asking me to go through something hard, and am expecting to reap the promised blessings after all is said and done. 

But I haven't even begun to tackle the REAL task he is asking me to work at. I don't think coming home and feeling such emotion or loss is the biggest piece of this puzzle that needs to be solved. 

I'm embarrassed to admit that I have not yet heeded the advice given in my own favorite song. 

I haven't stopped holding on so tight to something that I can't control and never could control in the first place. 

I haven't trusted God enough to take me where I need to go. I haven't allowed him to absolutely take charge of each moment and situation. 

If Heavenly Father needs me to go to college, I pull back and tell him I want THIS instead. 

If Heavenly Father needs me to be patient and let myself heal, I get angry and wonder why all the tests have come back clear. 

If Heavenly Father says, Charlotte, I need you to stay here for 6 months or longer.. I start to get scared. 

I start to question why I'm fighting so hard for something that was yanked out from underneath me. 

Brothers and Sisters, this week I am going to try to simply "Let it Go." 

Christmas Eve with my family

I can't promise at all that I will have come to terms with my current state of being right where I am by the end of the week. I can't promise I will be perfectly okay with whatever the wait may be to return to my mission. I can't promise I will be satisfied with whatever the doctors and counselors tell me.

But I do promise that I'm going to try. 

I gave God permission to mold me into who he needed me to be before I left home. Which means that this moment of my life right now, must clearly be an answer to my own heartfelt prayer. 

How could I possibly reject such a personal gift from my Eternal Father? 

Brothers and Sisters, I know it isn't going to be easy, but I have to see this trial as just that, a gift. And I would never reject a gift, especially from God himself. THAT much I can promise you for sure. 

Hope you had a verry merry Christmas!!! Also thanks for letting me just journal about everything basically in email form. It really does feel good. 

Here are some pictures from my week! 

Love you all.

Sister Charlotte Westover  

Recuperating from home, and the hunt for what's wrong

Last week I have had the glorious opportunity to go out with the trio of Sisters over the Springfield 4th and 5th ward. They are seriously AWESOME! And I wish I took pictures with them, but I will try to do better about that this week. 

On Tuesday, Sister Rhoton and I went tracting near Mountaingate across main street and it was QUITE the adventure. The very first door we knocked on was opened by someone clearly on something and he just said, " OH you ladies came at the WRONG time.." Sister Rhoton asked what he meant by that and he just said, " I'm about to get REAL High right now..."

The next evening I went out with Sister Hawkins and we visited an investigator with a baptism date name Kyra. She has two little girls and is just super sweet. We showed her the Light the World video and taught a quick lesson. Love them!

Sister McClellan and I also went tracting this week and ran into a lot of people who are just as crazy as many of the others we had encountered. We are continuing to share our Light the World video because its a short and sweet way to invite them to act this Christmas season and to learn more about Christ. We have also just been going around asking if families have any Christmas traditions.

ANYWAYS... 

We also met with this guy named Mitchell Saturday morning and before I went, I asked heavenly father what I should study in my scriptures. I turned to the last book of First Nephi and just studied that chapter because why not?  We got there, and he had been studying the book of Mormon that week and had questions about certain verses in the last book of First Nephi. CRAZY RIGHT?? #Blessings!  Mitchell is a pretty interesting guy, but we love him anyways. 

I'm skipping around a bit, but on Friday night, I went to the Christmas Feaste at the High school with my family and it was SO weird to be back there. I only just graduated in June so everything is still pretty familiar but again, its hard not to think about all of these events I WANTED to go to, but knew I would be gone on my mission for. Part of me feels super guilty when I go see things like this feaste, Coco, Star Wars, Olaf's Frozen Adventure, etc because I wasn't supposed to be here for them. I'm still adjusting to that idea I guess. 

On Saturday night, I got to spend a few hours with Kayla which was SO needed. We watched some of the new Tangled the Series episodes and took breaks in between to talk about just.. EVERYTHING. Felt amazing and I love her a lot. 

At church on Sunday, I was studying the book of Matthew and the speaker that day in Sacrament meeting out of the blue started referencing the exact verses I was marking. Matthew Chapter 4 is amazing by the way, I highly recommend. And again, #Blessings! 

Wednesday was a really hard day for me. Last Wednesday was the day my district from the MTC made the trip from Provo Utah to Pittsburgh Pennsylvania. I wanted to be with them so desperately. I didn't want to start thinking about the next steps in this whole process. Get a job? Start a term of college? I just wouldn't even think about it because I wasn't supposed to need that. I was supposed to worry about those things after my mission was over. And still being in missionary mode, I wouldn't let this dream of getting right back out die just yet. 

We decided to go to the temple that day which was super important for me. 

The temple in Portland is about two hours away from where I live, and I had a lot of time to just think about how I was feeling in the car. Probably too much time to think, because I was in tears almost the entire way up. I got an email while we drove from Ava, one of my investigators in the MTC. She just felt prompted to email me right then and to thank me for the way I was able to teach her at the MTC. She had heard that I went home and she wanted to let me know that she could feel so strongly that I was home for a purpose beyond what I could imagine. Obviously, this only made me cry more, but it was such a sweet tender mercy. Heavenly Father knew I needed comfort and the holy ghost prompted Ava to reach out to me when I needed it most. I love everything about this gospel brothers and sisters. Miracles are absolutely real. 

Portland temple day with my parents

On Sunday night, I was feeling a little lightheaded and sick and after going 7 days without any major medical issues, my body went through another one of these episodes. I was so upset that I had gone without one for so long and that this was happening to me again.

Yesterday, Monday, I was still feeling pretty lightheaded and shaky and wasn't really sure why. My family picked me up to go and see the new Star Wars movie, and by the end of it, I was afraid to move my body because I knew moving even a little bit could set this whole thing off again.   As we left, my body started convulsing again and muscles were out of my control. My Dad and I then spent the next 6 hours of the day in the ER sitting, waiting, doing blood tests, filling out paperwork, and even doing an MRI.   I absolutely didn't want to be there. 

I was so sick of doing this. It was my first time back in the ER since I first went three weeks ago, on that same day. I was ready to pass out and just exhausted, but we had to just keep pushing through because I really wanted any answers or information they could give me.

And then tender mercies started FLOODING in.   A lady came into the room where I was laying and wheeled me over to take the MRI. She asked me if I wanted to listen to some music while I was in the machine for the next 25 minutes. I said sure and she gave me these huge head phones and turned on some Christmas music. 

For those of you who haven't experienced an MRI before, it is SUPER loud and kinda claustrophobic. I wasn't too worried about any of that because I was so sleepy anyways and could've easily fallen asleep in there, but it meant that I could only hear the first three christmas songs or so until the machine got too loud to hear anything. 

First song was Idina Menzel singing an original from her Christmas album. I just kinda chuckled because it was a pretty cool coincidence right? The Queen herself was singing while I was getting my head scanned. Awesome. 

Second song is one that some of you may not recognize. But as I've done splits with the missionaries, lately we have been really trying to share the Light the World videos. All of a sudden the instrumental music to those cute little videos started playing through those headphones. WHAT?? Where did they even get that music? Helping the missionaries, I have heard that song play over and over again and it was amazing that I was hearing that song here in the Riverbend  MRI machine. The machine was getting louder so I only heard bits and pieces of the next song, but throughout the song, I heard the word Pennsylvania sung multiple times. I was stunned. 

After the MRI was over, I was super lightheaded and dizzy. The lady wheeled me back into the room with my Dad, who was flipping through the TV channels. 

I wasn't worried before now. But all of a sudden this fear of the doctors actually finding something on the MRI sunk in. I didn't want to show it so I just swallowed those thoughts the best that I could and tried to relax and get my head back on straight. 

My Dad was flipping through and stopped on one of the channels. And of Course, Frozen was playing. 

I'm sorry, but what are the odds of that??????? 

I am still amazed Brothers and Sisters. Amazed. 

The doctor returned. Blood work was clear, MRI showed that my brain was okay and I didn't have any tumors!

I was thrilled. And then I was frustrated. 

Because we are no closer than when we started to figuring out what got me sent home. But, now at least the process has begun. And finding answers is in our future. 

I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I love the scriptures. 

I know that the Book of Mormon is the word of God. It teaches each of us differently according to our needs if we seek to find understanding and guidance. 

Miracles aren't huge events that rarely occur
.

Miracles are a DAILY occurrence. But they are only noticeable if we choose to see them as such. 

My challenge for you this week, is to write down the miracles you witnessed. Both the big and the small. 

I promise that the more you look for these tender mercies, the closer to God you will become. I truly believe that He is so much closer to each of us than we ever thought. He is aware of you. He sees you and understands your aches and pains. He Loves you. His Love is infinite. And because of Christ, all things are possible. 

I'm fighting for that nametag...  But Mostly for His Name. 

Week 4, home for the holidays

Hiya Brothers and Sisters! Its P day and I am so relieved. 

Let me just start with telling you how much I love and care about all of you. 

Tomorrow, our MTC district is Pittsburgh bound!! I couldnt be more excited for everyone. 

Well, I'll just start with what we did this week and go from there. Last P day, we got up early, did some laundry, emailed home and I remember drinking lots of chocolate milk because why on Earth not??   We also went to the Temple on P day as a district one last time and tried to catch a session together since we only had one week left at the MTC. It was so good to feel the spirit so strongly and be with my second family in one of my favorite places, the Temple. 

We had a devotional Tuesday night and talked as a District afterwards. The spirit is probably the greatest teacher I've ever known because to this day, I am reminded of words said in devotionals and continue to gain different teachings and truths from them.

I don't remember much about Wednesday other than it was pretty normal until I went through another attack. I had gone a whole day without any medication or symptoms at all and I was feeling so good, but all good things must come to an end at some point I suppose.   My body started shaking and this time, I could feel myself about to pass out. I warned Sister Skinner in advance because as my body shook, I could just feel myself losing consciousness. About two minutes later, all movement stopped because I had blacked out.

Sister Skinner stayed with me while I slept for two hours after that while the others went to class. My body was tired and I was mentally and emotionally exhausted when I immediately woke up and started to tremor again. 

I quickly took my medication and was pretty drowsy and out of it for the rest of the evening. Lets just say, I slept pretty well that night.

On Thursday, Sister Peterson went with  me to my Doctors appointments and counseling appointments. They were super happy that I had gone a full day without any issue, but of course, I had to tell them about what had happened on Wednesday. They told me after that, that later in the day, a council with District leaders would be held to determine what the next step was for me. I was so stressed out all day long. I couldn't believe that by the end of the day, I would know if I was staying at the MTC or would have to go home.   I tried really hard to concentrate in my classes. I tried to teach with real intent and study for our investigators, but it was hard to keep everything all bottled up inside of me. 

At around 3:00, Sister Green and I left so I could go to meet with the District leader in the MTC who had attended the meeting about the decision of my health. I was so scared.  Sister Green and I walked through the MTC store to kill some time while we waited and I tried not to show how much stress the waiting was causing me. I didn't want to go home. I was convinced that those words would kill me.   We made our way to the District offices in the building S1. I left Sister Green sitting there in a separate room, while I followed a brother just down the hall and into his office.  He had me take a seat, I quickly took note of a strategically placed box of tissues placed right next to me, and he told me to tell him everything about my MTC experience, including health struggles. 

I poured out my heart to him because I was afraid of what was coming. 

He told me that he met with my counselors, doctors, and district leaders about my health and situation. He said they prayed to know what to do. 

They were sending me Home. 

I wish I could say I understood what those words meant initially. In my mind, I thought it was all a big joke and I was ready for him to REALLY tell me what came next.   It started to set in however when he called up my stake president on the phone right then and there. He told me I would need to come back after dinner to receive my flight plans for the following day. He said that it would be wise for me to start packing soon so I could be ready to go early the next morning.   He was so sorry to be the one to explain all of this. He told me he could tell I have a true desire to serve and to do what I love. He told me that this was a part of Heavenly Fathers Plan and that at some point, it will hopefully all become clear to me. 

But I wasn't listening any more. I didn't want to hear another word. 

I wiped my tears the best that I could and walked over to Sister Green. I didn't say anything to her at first because I didn't want to. I didn't want those words to even come out of my mouth because it wasn't really happening to me. I KNEW this would never happen to ME. 

I was still wiping tears as we walked out of S1 and I think Sister Green could just tell what had happened. 

I remember exiting the building and looking at her and trying not to let the words catch in my throat or to start sobbing again..

"They're sending me home.." 

She just wrapped an arm around me as we slowly walked back to the classroom. We tried to crack jokes to keep our spirits up. I tried to distract myself. This wasnt actually happening. I refused to believe it. 

As we walked up the stairs, our teacher, Brother Chueng, met us at the top. He saw us coming and before I continued I just stood there, crying and said, " Brother Chueng, I'm going home."   He just nodded his head and started walking down the stairs to where we were standing. And then he did something that is strongly advised against for Elders and Brothers in the MTC.  He gave me a hug.

We walked to the classroom where Brother Chueng asked for Sister Skinner, my companion, to come out with all of her things.   She saw us in the hallway and saw my tears and I remember her saying, "What's wrong?" I had forgotten that she had no idea about any of this yet.  I explained the best I could to her what was going on and she and I sobbed in the middle of a hallway filled with classes. 

The rest of the evening was a blur. I was angry, I was exhausted, but I was mostly sad. 

My Sisters helped me pack my things quicker than I thought possible. We all went and took a shower that evening and we all sang hymns from our separate shower stalls. After we finished, we sat on the bathroom floor together and continued to sing hymns. 

I bore my testimony to my district that night. I told them I loved them. 

The next morning, all of the Elders met us at our residence dressed in suits and ties so they could walk me into S1 where I had asked for a blessing. 

The Sisters took a seat and Elder Hale, our district leader, offered the blessing. Every other Elder in our district joined and the spirit was so very strong. I had never been more grateful for my MTC family than I had at that very moment. 

The Elders took my suitcases and we all walked to the travel office where I returned my room key, safe lock, and they wiped my MTC card. 

I started to say goodbye to my family. It felt no different from when I said goodbye to my immediate family almost 4 weeks ago at the Eugene airport as I headed to the MTC. 

I was finishing my goodbyes and my district started singing, "God be with you til we meet again." 

I said goodbye to my companion last. 

I walked over to the vehicle which would take me to the airport and I closed the door. I looked back out the window and waved as the van pulled out. 

We turned the corner, and they were gone. 

Honestly, I still can't believe any of this happened. It seems like I made it up or I dreamed it. But truthfully, this was all very real and very hard for me. 

I cried once I made it to the airport. I cried as I sat on that plane thinking about what had just happened. I cried when my parents met me in Eugene. I cried when I was asked to take off my nametag. I cried when I hugged my sisters again. I cried when I saw my Best friend. I cried when I went to sacrament meeting in my home ward. I cried when I went caroling with my family. I cry when people look at me in shock, wondering why I'm home all of a sudden. 

You would think I would run out of tears right? 

Everyone who knows me, knows Charlotte can and will cry at any given moment so Im sure no one is really all that surprised. 

Brothers and Sisters. I may not wear the nametag, I may not be at the MTC, I may not be boarding a plane to Pennsylvania tomorrow, next week, or even next month. But as much as I want to believe that nothing will get better, I KNOW that it will. 

There is work to be done. 

I gave my life to God for 18 months. I CHOSE that. Why should I get to dictate how He uses it? This isn't MY mission. This is his. I am simply His mouthpiece. 

I testify that there is a plan in place. I can't wait to see that plan unfold and become something I never knew was possible. 

I testify that Christ is the savior of the world. 

I know that his gospel is true. 

And when you KNOW that much, why should I ever have anything to complain about?

I love you all. 

Sister Charlotte Westover