Brothers and Sisters! Today is Monday, January 15th, which marks exactly two months since I entered the MTC.
Well, its been a really crazy week. As I mentioned in my last email, it was also an important week because on Wednesday, I got results from all of the medical tests I did. Before I get into that though, I wanted to reiterate how much I love my Father in Heaven. He has been with me every step of the way and often, I never thank him or recognize until later that He was the reason things worked out. I just wanted to challenge you to remember him in all that you do. When you make hard decisions, counsel with him first. If you do so, I promise the decision you make will always be the right one.
So! Wednesday was a big day!! I went into the appointment at around 4:00 and I was the last one in the office for the day. Doctor Clark looked through all of my scans, bloodwork, and the EEG. He did another quick physical exam in the room and then we sat and talked for a bit.
I wasnt really sure what to think or to expect. I didn't want anything to be wrong of course, but I really didn't want NOTHING to be wrong either. Again, it was another opportunity for me to let Heavenly Father take charge and let me trust his planning more fully.
Well, I got what I wanted, but I also got what I didn't want. The tests came back all clear. Everything was completely normal and there was no medical explanation at this point for what had been going on. But, I was also told by my counselor that he didn't think it was anxiety related?
Luckily, It didn't seem to really matter because the doctor told us that as soon as we were ready, he would sign it off so we could start the process of a speedy return. Which of course was exciting and I was thrilled, but also I was questioning everything. Why did I even get sent home? If Heavenly Father knew this would only be a temporary illness and that it would've started healing itself, why was I sent home at all?
I very quickly got myself excited for a speedy return rather than asking why I was home.. I emailed my district in PA that very night about the results and I told them that I would be returning much sooner than anticipated. A few of them even emailed me back and told me that they were so excited to see me again. I was so excited to see them and all I want is to be there.
The very night that I get the all clear from my doctors, and after I sent that email to my district, I find myself waking up to my muscles spazzing and tremoring for the first time in 12 days. The next TWO days I was super lightheaded and dizzy all the time. Again, I was just so frustrated..
I've been praying a lot this week. I just feel so much pressure and stress about being home because 1) I dont want to be here, and 2) I cant plan for anything. I don't know when I will get to leave so I cant say for sure that I can attend events in April or May. I can't plan on diving into a calling because at any time, I could get the phone call to return. I feel the pressure to speed through my classes because what if I have to leave and I'm not finished?
My body was failing me, then it was fine. Then it was failing me, then again, it was just fine. CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON PLEASE.
I realized something though this week that led me to make some decisions. I had been praying for something to help me through this process. I had asked my heavenly father to help me to return as quickly as possible. Yet, every time I think about WHEN I can return, HOW I will get to that point, and WHY its taking such a long time, I get uneasy and anxious. Its a righteous desire, to return right away, but it stressed me out to no end. Again, I couldn't plan on anything. I couldn't promise anything either. And as soon as I felt healthy enough to return, my body would tell me otherwise and I would get upset and angry again. I just wanted to do what I wanted. And that still wasnt what Heavenly Father wanted.
So, I started thinking about the idea of staying longer. I started getting in the mindset of staying until the first of June, completing the dreaded 6 months of being home. I hated the thought, but honestly, I felt so much peace about it.
Those of you who read my emails immediately after I returned home will remember that being told I was stuck here for 6 months was my worst nightmare. I was convinced I wasn't going to survive such a time away from my mission. Yet, here I am, feeling at peace about that decision.
I counseled with my parents and some family. 'Ive been in contact with my Stake President. We all feel as though this is what Heavenly Father wants for me.
Its incredible that the one thing I didn't want more than anything at all, proved to also be the one thing that made me feel more at peace than everything else.
So, unless Heavenly Father makes another major change in my plans ( Something he has a tendency to do lately, haha ), the new plan is to stick around until the first of June. I am upset that my mission seems so much farther away, but somehow.. I'm learning to be okay with that. I know I will be a much better missionary for having to wait. For having to fight the great fight to return. And even though I could be there right now, Ill be all the more grateful to be there then.
Last Tuesday, I wrote up this entry that I wanted to share with you in conclusion to this lengthy email ( Sorry! ).
So, I sent out and email literally just yesterday, but I already have some things I just need to get off of my chest. Today is Tuesday and it was a fairly normal day. I did about 5 hours of my independant study courses, had dinner with my cousins, and played mario cart with my family. Tomorrow I have one more appointment and I will hopefully get some results..
I was sitting there and I just started sobbing because nothing seemed real to me. I wasn't actually at home, THIS wasn't happening to me. I was completely overwhelmed out of nowhere.
As the weeks have slowly gone by, I have come to terms with the reality of my situation and, in some instances, have even learned to be okay with it. My health would be problematic, but then it wouldn't. My body will start to feel weird again, and then the next day it would be fine. Emotionally, I've been SO much better lately and my mind has shifted from what could have been, to what could be.
But again, tonight I just lost my mind a little bit. I miss my mission. I miss it a lot.
Its really hard not to think about what I WOULD have been doing if I were there right now, at this very moment in time. I think back to my first day at the MTC often and ask myself if I would have done anything differently if I went in knowing I would be sent home only 3 and a half weeks later. Was there anything I could have done to fight this? Was there anything I could have said that I didn't say? If I had made ANY of these changes at all would I still be wearing my nametag right now?
I could have tried harder. Or maybe I could have prayed more. I could have participated more in class and could have asked more questions. I could have feasted upon the words of Christ and I could have studied his doctrine more often. I could have served my district and could have attended the temple EVERY P day. I could've packed with all of my sisters in preparation for our MTC departure. I could've said goodbye to my teachers Sister Pito and Brother Chueng formally. I could have sincerely thanked them. I could have woken up at 3 am to board the flight to Pittsburgh with my district. I could have arrived with my new family and could've met President and Sister Bednar. I could've shaken his hand and with a smile on my face, introduced myself as Sister Westover from Springfield Oregon, prepared to serve with all of my heart. But I didnt. I could have done all of this. I could still be there.
But up until this evening, whenever I thought about the MTC or my mission at home, it was never what COULD have been. It was always what WAS.
My Mission was waking up at 3 am in Springfield to board a flight to Provo Utah on November 14th, 2017. My Mission was saying goodbye to my family for three and a half weeks. My Mission was meeting my beautiful companion Sister Skinner on November 15th, 2017 and learning that she and I made a wonderful pair. My Mission was realizing that my district was made up of some of the most incredible people I have ever been blessed to meet. My Mission was sitting on the edge of my seat when Brother Chueng hopped up on his soap box, ready to take as many notes as possible. My Mission was Thanksgiving in the MTC, service, and study. My Mission was Sister Peterson's closet and the 33 skirts she brought with her. My Mission was Sister Hills laughter when she read the Book of Mormon as if Elder Lopez was reading it. My Mission was learning to never let my feet hang off of the top bunk for fear of Sister Skinner tickling them. My Mission was singing hymns in the shower stalls with Sister Willes every morning. My Mission was discovering that I could NEVER be companions with Sister Green because we keep laughing at each others faces. My Mission was watching Elder Norton draw the hand of God during a devotional. My Mission was wishing Elder Hale a Happy Birthday EVERY single day because everyone apparently always forgets to. My Mission was admiring Elder Vimahi and his quiet strength in all things. My Mission was teaching a discussion with my companion to Elder Guinn and feeling as though just maybe, we could actually do this. My Mission was chocolate milk and ice cream. It was volleyball and kickball. It was battling a health issue that came out of nowhere. It was having faith that Heavenly Father was aware of me and was aware of my desires. It was missing classes in order to listen to what my body was telling me. It was going to doctors appointments. It was meeting with counselors. It was getting blood drawn and picking up prescriptions. It was finding myself in a position where a choice had to be made.
My Mission was three and a half weeks long. My Mission was to go home early.
Right now, if you asked me what I would have changed, the only thing I would probably tell you is that I wish I never had to come home.
But, if staying out meant that my MTC experience was different in any way.. I'm not really sure that I would change anything at all.
My Mission IS learning to trust God. My Mission is discovering what my motivation is and why I want this. My Mission is allowing myself to be upset and to hurt for a while. My Mission is to stop worrying about tomorrow and to focus on today.
My Mission is right here and right now. My Mission is hard. My Mission is painful. But its MY Mission.
My Mission isn't all that it could have been. But it IS all that it should be.
Sister Westover
No comments:
Post a Comment