Christmas at home and Let it Go

Really difficult week and I just need to be honest. I have no clue what I am doing anymore. 

It's essentially pretty simple to keep up the emails and to talk about hard things that are going on. I actually quite enjoy the weekly pep talk I feel like I'm giving as a strength to others, when in reality it's helping me work through things for myself. 

You talk first about the exciting things that happened, and then you talk about some of the more difficult moments in your week.   You acknowledge God's tender mercies and remember them when you are talking about the darker times you had.   BUT no matter how horrible the week was or how hard it was to go through a few tough things, you wrap up your email, praising Christ, trusting God, and sharing hope. 

Today, obviously I would like to write in the same way, but I also want you to know that there are SO many moments when I just don't feel that pure love. It isn't always peaches and cream at the end of a difficult week. Happy endings don't ALWAYS come one week after you went through that storm.  I can't always bring myself to say that I know that if I trust God, things will work out. I'm stubborn sometimes. I don't always trust God and hand over the reins just like that. I like to hold on tight until I have a handle on a situation that is seemingly spiraling out of control. Then, I like to let God tell me I did a good job by sending me blessings after I made it through the fire. I'm enduring to the end, am I not? 

But what if the initial fire and turmoil "gifted" to us, isn't the REAL trial at all? Yeah, it's hard and we will absolutely learn from it, but what if God has another more valuable "gift," wrapped up from within the big one? 

I'm using this "gift" analogy mostly because of the holiday, but let me give you an example as to what I mean. 

A little over two weeks ago, I was sent home early from my mission. I left the MTC, agonizing over this new change in my plans, said goodbye to the district I grew to love, and came home to friends and family that I wasn't supposed to see again for another 17 months.   I'm HOME. And I never thought being in such a place of security and comfort would fill me with such anguish and uneasiness. Distraction is a beautiful thing when everything around you is a reminder of where you COULD be, when you aren't. 

This week has been filled with more questions and speculations as to what could be wrong health wise. Still no solid answers, but lots and lots of opinions.. which could be a good thing, but right now? I could care less about what's wrong. I just want back out and for some reason, if I just try hard enough to make this stop on my own, I start thinking I will get back out sooner. I start thinking that by shear will alone, I will get my wish.

More emotional breakdowns this week than last. More of me trying to hold things together and to act like I have a plan in place. More and more trying to find joy in the ugliness of today, when all I want to do is to sit and to allow myself to be upset. Why can't I just let this be hard right now? Why can't I just curl up into a ball and cry over something that I have already cried about on multiple occasions? Yeah, I wish I could've moved on from this and let it go too, but right now, I just can't. 

More serving with the sister missionaries this week. I love them to pieces. They help to fill even the smallest desire to continue serving like I thought I would be doing in PA. As fun and as beautiful as this opportunity is, I can't help but wish I was wearing MY nametag. I could introduce myself as Sister Westover. But instead, my name is Charlotte, a member on splits. 

Received emails notifying me that my missionary email would be shut down if I was home for more than 6 months. Received a phone call from the missionary department, thanking me for my service as a missionary. They sent me two more emails with talks from general authorities about readjusting to life after serving a full time mission. I'm sure you can just imagine my thought process when I received these things. I'll let you decide how I reacted instead of me writing it out here, haha. 

Today, I wished I was having my first Christmas as a missionary. I wished I was having dinners with those members, I wished I was skyping my family from the other side of the country, I wished my companion and I could open up stockings and gifts from our families together.   Instead, I learned to ignore the notifications sent to me from my facebook missionary page showing all of these families seeing their missionary on a big screen on this Christmas day. Well, guess what?? I get to see my family in person on Christmas day. Beat that.. 

Even still, being home doesnt seem like the better option here. 

What can I say. I MISS my MISSION. And being HERE hurts a lot. 

Back to my silly gift analogy though, I did have a point to that. I think...

I do know that God loves us and knows us individually. As I mentioned before, I am fairly independent and want to take control of a situation gone wrong. I feel like I can fix it and then things will be okay. 

Heavenly Father knows that about me. He knows that I am aware that He is asking me to go through something hard, and am expecting to reap the promised blessings after all is said and done. 

But I haven't even begun to tackle the REAL task he is asking me to work at. I don't think coming home and feeling such emotion or loss is the biggest piece of this puzzle that needs to be solved. 

I'm embarrassed to admit that I have not yet heeded the advice given in my own favorite song. 

I haven't stopped holding on so tight to something that I can't control and never could control in the first place. 

I haven't trusted God enough to take me where I need to go. I haven't allowed him to absolutely take charge of each moment and situation. 

If Heavenly Father needs me to go to college, I pull back and tell him I want THIS instead. 

If Heavenly Father needs me to be patient and let myself heal, I get angry and wonder why all the tests have come back clear. 

If Heavenly Father says, Charlotte, I need you to stay here for 6 months or longer.. I start to get scared. 

I start to question why I'm fighting so hard for something that was yanked out from underneath me. 

Brothers and Sisters, this week I am going to try to simply "Let it Go." 

Christmas Eve with my family

I can't promise at all that I will have come to terms with my current state of being right where I am by the end of the week. I can't promise I will be perfectly okay with whatever the wait may be to return to my mission. I can't promise I will be satisfied with whatever the doctors and counselors tell me.

But I do promise that I'm going to try. 

I gave God permission to mold me into who he needed me to be before I left home. Which means that this moment of my life right now, must clearly be an answer to my own heartfelt prayer. 

How could I possibly reject such a personal gift from my Eternal Father? 

Brothers and Sisters, I know it isn't going to be easy, but I have to see this trial as just that, a gift. And I would never reject a gift, especially from God himself. THAT much I can promise you for sure. 

Hope you had a verry merry Christmas!!! Also thanks for letting me just journal about everything basically in email form. It really does feel good. 

Here are some pictures from my week! 

Love you all.

Sister Charlotte Westover  

Recuperating from home, and the hunt for what's wrong

Last week I have had the glorious opportunity to go out with the trio of Sisters over the Springfield 4th and 5th ward. They are seriously AWESOME! And I wish I took pictures with them, but I will try to do better about that this week. 

On Tuesday, Sister Rhoton and I went tracting near Mountaingate across main street and it was QUITE the adventure. The very first door we knocked on was opened by someone clearly on something and he just said, " OH you ladies came at the WRONG time.." Sister Rhoton asked what he meant by that and he just said, " I'm about to get REAL High right now..."

The next evening I went out with Sister Hawkins and we visited an investigator with a baptism date name Kyra. She has two little girls and is just super sweet. We showed her the Light the World video and taught a quick lesson. Love them!

Sister McClellan and I also went tracting this week and ran into a lot of people who are just as crazy as many of the others we had encountered. We are continuing to share our Light the World video because its a short and sweet way to invite them to act this Christmas season and to learn more about Christ. We have also just been going around asking if families have any Christmas traditions.

ANYWAYS... 

We also met with this guy named Mitchell Saturday morning and before I went, I asked heavenly father what I should study in my scriptures. I turned to the last book of First Nephi and just studied that chapter because why not?  We got there, and he had been studying the book of Mormon that week and had questions about certain verses in the last book of First Nephi. CRAZY RIGHT?? #Blessings!  Mitchell is a pretty interesting guy, but we love him anyways. 

I'm skipping around a bit, but on Friday night, I went to the Christmas Feaste at the High school with my family and it was SO weird to be back there. I only just graduated in June so everything is still pretty familiar but again, its hard not to think about all of these events I WANTED to go to, but knew I would be gone on my mission for. Part of me feels super guilty when I go see things like this feaste, Coco, Star Wars, Olaf's Frozen Adventure, etc because I wasn't supposed to be here for them. I'm still adjusting to that idea I guess. 

On Saturday night, I got to spend a few hours with Kayla which was SO needed. We watched some of the new Tangled the Series episodes and took breaks in between to talk about just.. EVERYTHING. Felt amazing and I love her a lot. 

At church on Sunday, I was studying the book of Matthew and the speaker that day in Sacrament meeting out of the blue started referencing the exact verses I was marking. Matthew Chapter 4 is amazing by the way, I highly recommend. And again, #Blessings! 

Wednesday was a really hard day for me. Last Wednesday was the day my district from the MTC made the trip from Provo Utah to Pittsburgh Pennsylvania. I wanted to be with them so desperately. I didn't want to start thinking about the next steps in this whole process. Get a job? Start a term of college? I just wouldn't even think about it because I wasn't supposed to need that. I was supposed to worry about those things after my mission was over. And still being in missionary mode, I wouldn't let this dream of getting right back out die just yet. 

We decided to go to the temple that day which was super important for me. 

The temple in Portland is about two hours away from where I live, and I had a lot of time to just think about how I was feeling in the car. Probably too much time to think, because I was in tears almost the entire way up. I got an email while we drove from Ava, one of my investigators in the MTC. She just felt prompted to email me right then and to thank me for the way I was able to teach her at the MTC. She had heard that I went home and she wanted to let me know that she could feel so strongly that I was home for a purpose beyond what I could imagine. Obviously, this only made me cry more, but it was such a sweet tender mercy. Heavenly Father knew I needed comfort and the holy ghost prompted Ava to reach out to me when I needed it most. I love everything about this gospel brothers and sisters. Miracles are absolutely real. 

Portland temple day with my parents

On Sunday night, I was feeling a little lightheaded and sick and after going 7 days without any major medical issues, my body went through another one of these episodes. I was so upset that I had gone without one for so long and that this was happening to me again.

Yesterday, Monday, I was still feeling pretty lightheaded and shaky and wasn't really sure why. My family picked me up to go and see the new Star Wars movie, and by the end of it, I was afraid to move my body because I knew moving even a little bit could set this whole thing off again.   As we left, my body started convulsing again and muscles were out of my control. My Dad and I then spent the next 6 hours of the day in the ER sitting, waiting, doing blood tests, filling out paperwork, and even doing an MRI.   I absolutely didn't want to be there. 

I was so sick of doing this. It was my first time back in the ER since I first went three weeks ago, on that same day. I was ready to pass out and just exhausted, but we had to just keep pushing through because I really wanted any answers or information they could give me.

And then tender mercies started FLOODING in.   A lady came into the room where I was laying and wheeled me over to take the MRI. She asked me if I wanted to listen to some music while I was in the machine for the next 25 minutes. I said sure and she gave me these huge head phones and turned on some Christmas music. 

For those of you who haven't experienced an MRI before, it is SUPER loud and kinda claustrophobic. I wasn't too worried about any of that because I was so sleepy anyways and could've easily fallen asleep in there, but it meant that I could only hear the first three christmas songs or so until the machine got too loud to hear anything. 

First song was Idina Menzel singing an original from her Christmas album. I just kinda chuckled because it was a pretty cool coincidence right? The Queen herself was singing while I was getting my head scanned. Awesome. 

Second song is one that some of you may not recognize. But as I've done splits with the missionaries, lately we have been really trying to share the Light the World videos. All of a sudden the instrumental music to those cute little videos started playing through those headphones. WHAT?? Where did they even get that music? Helping the missionaries, I have heard that song play over and over again and it was amazing that I was hearing that song here in the Riverbend  MRI machine. The machine was getting louder so I only heard bits and pieces of the next song, but throughout the song, I heard the word Pennsylvania sung multiple times. I was stunned. 

After the MRI was over, I was super lightheaded and dizzy. The lady wheeled me back into the room with my Dad, who was flipping through the TV channels. 

I wasn't worried before now. But all of a sudden this fear of the doctors actually finding something on the MRI sunk in. I didn't want to show it so I just swallowed those thoughts the best that I could and tried to relax and get my head back on straight. 

My Dad was flipping through and stopped on one of the channels. And of Course, Frozen was playing. 

I'm sorry, but what are the odds of that??????? 

I am still amazed Brothers and Sisters. Amazed. 

The doctor returned. Blood work was clear, MRI showed that my brain was okay and I didn't have any tumors!

I was thrilled. And then I was frustrated. 

Because we are no closer than when we started to figuring out what got me sent home. But, now at least the process has begun. And finding answers is in our future. 

I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I love the scriptures. 

I know that the Book of Mormon is the word of God. It teaches each of us differently according to our needs if we seek to find understanding and guidance. 

Miracles aren't huge events that rarely occur
.

Miracles are a DAILY occurrence. But they are only noticeable if we choose to see them as such. 

My challenge for you this week, is to write down the miracles you witnessed. Both the big and the small. 

I promise that the more you look for these tender mercies, the closer to God you will become. I truly believe that He is so much closer to each of us than we ever thought. He is aware of you. He sees you and understands your aches and pains. He Loves you. His Love is infinite. And because of Christ, all things are possible. 

I'm fighting for that nametag...  But Mostly for His Name. 

Week 4, home for the holidays

Hiya Brothers and Sisters! Its P day and I am so relieved. 

Let me just start with telling you how much I love and care about all of you. 

Tomorrow, our MTC district is Pittsburgh bound!! I couldnt be more excited for everyone. 

Well, I'll just start with what we did this week and go from there. Last P day, we got up early, did some laundry, emailed home and I remember drinking lots of chocolate milk because why on Earth not??   We also went to the Temple on P day as a district one last time and tried to catch a session together since we only had one week left at the MTC. It was so good to feel the spirit so strongly and be with my second family in one of my favorite places, the Temple. 

We had a devotional Tuesday night and talked as a District afterwards. The spirit is probably the greatest teacher I've ever known because to this day, I am reminded of words said in devotionals and continue to gain different teachings and truths from them.

I don't remember much about Wednesday other than it was pretty normal until I went through another attack. I had gone a whole day without any medication or symptoms at all and I was feeling so good, but all good things must come to an end at some point I suppose.   My body started shaking and this time, I could feel myself about to pass out. I warned Sister Skinner in advance because as my body shook, I could just feel myself losing consciousness. About two minutes later, all movement stopped because I had blacked out.

Sister Skinner stayed with me while I slept for two hours after that while the others went to class. My body was tired and I was mentally and emotionally exhausted when I immediately woke up and started to tremor again. 

I quickly took my medication and was pretty drowsy and out of it for the rest of the evening. Lets just say, I slept pretty well that night.

On Thursday, Sister Peterson went with  me to my Doctors appointments and counseling appointments. They were super happy that I had gone a full day without any issue, but of course, I had to tell them about what had happened on Wednesday. They told me after that, that later in the day, a council with District leaders would be held to determine what the next step was for me. I was so stressed out all day long. I couldn't believe that by the end of the day, I would know if I was staying at the MTC or would have to go home.   I tried really hard to concentrate in my classes. I tried to teach with real intent and study for our investigators, but it was hard to keep everything all bottled up inside of me. 

At around 3:00, Sister Green and I left so I could go to meet with the District leader in the MTC who had attended the meeting about the decision of my health. I was so scared.  Sister Green and I walked through the MTC store to kill some time while we waited and I tried not to show how much stress the waiting was causing me. I didn't want to go home. I was convinced that those words would kill me.   We made our way to the District offices in the building S1. I left Sister Green sitting there in a separate room, while I followed a brother just down the hall and into his office.  He had me take a seat, I quickly took note of a strategically placed box of tissues placed right next to me, and he told me to tell him everything about my MTC experience, including health struggles. 

I poured out my heart to him because I was afraid of what was coming. 

He told me that he met with my counselors, doctors, and district leaders about my health and situation. He said they prayed to know what to do. 

They were sending me Home. 

I wish I could say I understood what those words meant initially. In my mind, I thought it was all a big joke and I was ready for him to REALLY tell me what came next.   It started to set in however when he called up my stake president on the phone right then and there. He told me I would need to come back after dinner to receive my flight plans for the following day. He said that it would be wise for me to start packing soon so I could be ready to go early the next morning.   He was so sorry to be the one to explain all of this. He told me he could tell I have a true desire to serve and to do what I love. He told me that this was a part of Heavenly Fathers Plan and that at some point, it will hopefully all become clear to me. 

But I wasn't listening any more. I didn't want to hear another word. 

I wiped my tears the best that I could and walked over to Sister Green. I didn't say anything to her at first because I didn't want to. I didn't want those words to even come out of my mouth because it wasn't really happening to me. I KNEW this would never happen to ME. 

I was still wiping tears as we walked out of S1 and I think Sister Green could just tell what had happened. 

I remember exiting the building and looking at her and trying not to let the words catch in my throat or to start sobbing again..

"They're sending me home.." 

She just wrapped an arm around me as we slowly walked back to the classroom. We tried to crack jokes to keep our spirits up. I tried to distract myself. This wasnt actually happening. I refused to believe it. 

As we walked up the stairs, our teacher, Brother Chueng, met us at the top. He saw us coming and before I continued I just stood there, crying and said, " Brother Chueng, I'm going home."   He just nodded his head and started walking down the stairs to where we were standing. And then he did something that is strongly advised against for Elders and Brothers in the MTC.  He gave me a hug.

We walked to the classroom where Brother Chueng asked for Sister Skinner, my companion, to come out with all of her things.   She saw us in the hallway and saw my tears and I remember her saying, "What's wrong?" I had forgotten that she had no idea about any of this yet.  I explained the best I could to her what was going on and she and I sobbed in the middle of a hallway filled with classes. 

The rest of the evening was a blur. I was angry, I was exhausted, but I was mostly sad. 

My Sisters helped me pack my things quicker than I thought possible. We all went and took a shower that evening and we all sang hymns from our separate shower stalls. After we finished, we sat on the bathroom floor together and continued to sing hymns. 

I bore my testimony to my district that night. I told them I loved them. 

The next morning, all of the Elders met us at our residence dressed in suits and ties so they could walk me into S1 where I had asked for a blessing. 

The Sisters took a seat and Elder Hale, our district leader, offered the blessing. Every other Elder in our district joined and the spirit was so very strong. I had never been more grateful for my MTC family than I had at that very moment. 

The Elders took my suitcases and we all walked to the travel office where I returned my room key, safe lock, and they wiped my MTC card. 

I started to say goodbye to my family. It felt no different from when I said goodbye to my immediate family almost 4 weeks ago at the Eugene airport as I headed to the MTC. 

I was finishing my goodbyes and my district started singing, "God be with you til we meet again." 

I said goodbye to my companion last. 

I walked over to the vehicle which would take me to the airport and I closed the door. I looked back out the window and waved as the van pulled out. 

We turned the corner, and they were gone. 

Honestly, I still can't believe any of this happened. It seems like I made it up or I dreamed it. But truthfully, this was all very real and very hard for me. 

I cried once I made it to the airport. I cried as I sat on that plane thinking about what had just happened. I cried when my parents met me in Eugene. I cried when I was asked to take off my nametag. I cried when I hugged my sisters again. I cried when I saw my Best friend. I cried when I went to sacrament meeting in my home ward. I cried when I went caroling with my family. I cry when people look at me in shock, wondering why I'm home all of a sudden. 

You would think I would run out of tears right? 

Everyone who knows me, knows Charlotte can and will cry at any given moment so Im sure no one is really all that surprised. 

Brothers and Sisters. I may not wear the nametag, I may not be at the MTC, I may not be boarding a plane to Pennsylvania tomorrow, next week, or even next month. But as much as I want to believe that nothing will get better, I KNOW that it will. 

There is work to be done. 

I gave my life to God for 18 months. I CHOSE that. Why should I get to dictate how He uses it? This isn't MY mission. This is his. I am simply His mouthpiece. 

I testify that there is a plan in place. I can't wait to see that plan unfold and become something I never knew was possible. 

I testify that Christ is the savior of the world. 

I know that his gospel is true. 

And when you KNOW that much, why should I ever have anything to complain about?

I love you all. 

Sister Charlotte Westover 

week 3, MTC

Hey guys, it has been a really crazy week for sure, but I'm still so grateful for the opportunities I've had and the tender mercies I've seen. 

Hmm. Where should I start? 

Last week, I went to the ER so that was an adventure. Ever since that experience, my body hasn't really been acting the same way. I've been very sick this week and have been to many doctors appointments because of muscle spasms attacks and episodes. Quite frankly, I'm exhausted from these episodes, and it's super embarrassing when I randomly pass out in the middle of class. I'm pretty tired of blood tests and counseling appointments, but hopefully, it will have all been worth it! 

On Friday, I was REALLY struggling. They had just drawn blood and missed three out of the four times so I was super lightheaded and bruised. I was given a prescription and was told that if things got worse, or if I can't go without the pills without having an episode, they would have to send me home for further treatment. 

NOPE. It just really scared me that I had gotten this far and that this was a topic of conversation all of a sudden. I have missed so many meetings and classes because I black out and I have just really felt worthless as a missionary. 

We went to pick up my prescription that day and sister Skinner received an email from the boy that she was with back home. The email basically explained that he had moved on and that she should stop reaching out to him. 

As we walked to class, we both decided we needed a really good cry. We grabbed a tissue box and just let it all out in an empty zone room. 

When we came back, our teacher immediately shifted gears and we went for a walk as a district. Our teacher stayed behind to chat with us and check in on how we were doing. We turned the corner and I saw my district, outside in the cold, on their knees.... I turned to Sister Skinner and just cried. Our new family was incredible and they were praying for us. It was the greatest tender mercy of the day and I love them one hundred times more than I already have for it. 

Today, I am feeling more confident and ready to tackle PA. With one week left, I am reminded that my 100 percent effort is different from that of other missionaries. Heavenly Father knows where I am at right now. He knows that I have the desire to study, teach, and learn. I also know that he is happy with what I have been able to give regardless of health struggles. 

Another tender mercy occurred on Wednesday! Our district was asked to host the new missionaries and as I started to walk with a sister that needed help, I saw my Kertamus Cousins including Amber Stotts dropping of my Cousin Joseph! It probably wasn't allowed, but they all jumped out of the car and ran over to me to give me hugs. It was incredible and SOOOO needed. 

I also saw Elder Kertamus that night at dinner and we allowed a "Handshake Bro Hug" since we are cousins after all. It was so good to see another familiar face in the MTC. 

Hosting the new Missionaries

My cousin, Elder Joseph Kertamus

Sister Cunningham (Sister from my home stake) left this morning which is way sad but also super duper exciting. I just love her a lot and I know that she is going to do amazing things in Boston. 

A friendly face from home...Sister Cunningham

Some of the Sisters in our District decided we all needed matching Pittsburgh Shirts so we each purchased two different styles. SOO cute! 

Sorry that I don't have anything more exciting or uplifting to report on, but I do know this. 

Heavenly Father is completely aware of our situations and our desires. I am really exhausted, sometimes I'm confused, I often miss my best friend, my family, my ward, and my home... But I also feel like I AM at home while I'm here. The people I have met have become my family and we have all gone through some pretty tough things over the past three weeks. But I absolutely wouldn't trade it for anything. 

In class, after I had passed out earlier that morning due to an attack, we were reverently discussing our heavenly mother. I remember thinking about my own mother and wished I could be near her even for a moment. And then probably the coolest experience of the week happened. My muscles started moving against my will again and I started to brace myself for another episode, but I also didn't feel any pain or concern. Just peace. 

I just started rocking back and forth and I felt warm. I recognized the feeling as if I were a little girl again, sitting on my mother's lap, being rocked back and forth in her arms. I was filled with the spirit and in the words of my best friend, I knew that "Everything's going to be okay." It was as if there was someone whom I couldn't see who was there, just holding me. 

Yesterday was a super good day. I was starting to feel myself falling into my spasm episodes and my anxiety counselor allowed me to make a phone call to my parents for a full 45 minutes. I immediately relaxed and felt just fine again. I went longer than I have yet today without another attack! 24 full hours!! Ah, such accomplishments. It's the little things, I tell ya.. 

Well, I hope that you know how much I love you. Oh, how badly I wish I could show you the things I have seen and feel what I've felt. As a coping mechanism for stress, at home, I would listen to music. The counselor gave me permission to listen to any song on my tablet if it makes me calm down. So, I am currently listening to "Our Glorious Family Tree," written by my aunt. I just want to testify that there is truly, " something bigger than you and me," and it is right here and right now. 

I know that my Redeemer lives. I know that God's love is infinite. And it is because of these simple truths that I'm reminded that "Everything's going to be okay." 

THAT is something I can absolutely promise you. 

I'll talk to you next week! I don't leave until next Wednesday so I have one more P day at the Glorious MTC. 

Lots of love.  

Sister Westover 

Week 2 MTC Thanksgiving and a hospital visit

Have any of you read the Percy Jackson and the Olympians Series? The sisters in my district decided that as we write emails, we are going to title them in the same way that the chapters are titled in those books, haha. Hence the title of this email. Kinda fun, right? 

Anyways, I had quite the week!! It was good, it was bad, it was ugly, but mostly filled with some amazing experiences. Last Tuesday was my first P day in the MTC and I can no longer email family once it hits 6:30 Utah time. So, after we had our Tuesday evening devotional, we had a discussion with our zone and branch President. It was super emotional and the spirit was so strong.  

We aren't sure how, but my companion, Sister Skinner, hurt her knee during the day and was in quite a bit of pain by the end of our spiritual discussion. As everyone started to head to their residences, she was struggling to walk and couldn't make it down the stairs. We told Elder Hale, our district leader that she might need a blessing. The Elders are awesome. Neither of them was prepared and ran back to their residence which is all the way across campus to pick up what they needed. Once they made it back up the stairs into the classroom they were SO out of breath. At this point, I was just holding my companion's hand, amazed at how fast they moved. Elder Hale offered a special blessing for sister Skinner of comfort and healing. And now, her knee is doing great! 

On Wednesday, Janice Kapp Perry ( The incredible composer of many of the hymns and children's songs) spoke to us and we were absolutely edified.  

Thanksgiving at the MTC is crazy. Don't get me wrong, it was fantastic, but also overwhelming. Right out of the gate, we had a morning devotional with the whole MTC and none of us knew who our guest speaker would be. Well, guess what. The one and only, Elder David A. Bednar spoke to us for an hour. And I was only 4 rows from the front! I was on camera for a little while too! This message was broadcast to 14 different MTC's and it was an incredible setup. Elder Bednar's talk was of course incredible. He really focused on the power of the book of Mormon and he asked the missionaries to ask him any question they needed answers too. 

After the devotional, we watched the new T.C. Christensen film, "Love, Kennedy." Here's the thing. I have cried a lot in the MTC for different reasons. But I cried more than ever while watching this film. If you take nothing else away from this email, I would encourage you to watch this movie. It's so beautiful.  

Actually, it was a miracle film. Let me explain something to you. Thanksgiving day was HARD on me. I really missed home and family and I was just looking for Heavenly father to help me to feel like he understood me personally I guess. I'm gonna spoil just the teensiest bit of the film for you. I was crying during the film obviously and was thinking about how I wish God could know me as well as he knew the needs of the family in the movie. There comes a point in the film where the main character, Kennedy, is deteriorating quickly because of her illness and her friends and family have come to say goodbye. And then those friends and loved ones stood around Kennedy and started to sing softly and reverently to her around her bed. They started singing "Let it Go." 

My district knows at this point that anything Frozen related is like a trigger word for me so they all immediately turned to me to see my reaction. Little did they know that I had just asked heavenly father to help me recognize his Love for me. So they all watched me sob into my hands and Sister Skinner just put her arm around me. It was incredible. 

After the movie, we did a service project and made breakfast packets for the organization,"Feeding children everywhere." We jammed out to Christmas music while wearing the most attractive hair nets you've ever seen. Not. 

Of all the meals I've had at the MTC, our Thanksgiving lunch was definitely the best. Nowhere near as good as my mom's cooking, but it was still pretty good. 

We had another evening devotional with the Nashville Tribute Band. They were pretty good! Don't condemn me for this, but I'm not a huge country style music fan. I loved the lyrics though.   As we walked out of the devotional we were surprised with Christmas lights all over the MTC. It was beautiful. "Let the Holidays begin!" - Elsa 

Christmas lights at the MTC

The rest of my week has been pretty normal. Well.. actually. let me tell you a little bit about Sister Green. She is crazy. She thinks I'm hilarious and she and I can't even look at each other without dying of laughter for no good reason. It's pretty funny actually. There was one point where Sister Skinner and I were paired up to role play teaching Sister Green as our investigator. We were struggling because Sister Green kept laughing at me!!!! Therefore, I laughed too! I'm trying to testify right? and she's laughing so I'm testifying without making any eye contact but that just made it worse.   After the lesson, Sister Skinner says to me, "If I didn't love you, I'd probably beat you." (She said it with love of course, haha)

I warned the district that as they went on a water break, if they came back and I was dead, they'd know why. So before they walked out, Sister Peterson planned my funeral. She said she'd buy me an ice blue casket and she'd get a choir to sing let it Go for me. She's a kind soul for sure. 

We finally caved and played volleyball with the elders this week. It was actually so much fun and I'm not half bad! I'm not good, but not bad! We also played kickball in the field by the temple and it was also very fun... aside from the fact that Elder Guinn totally tripped me and I faceplanted ON THE BASE. But hey, at least I was safe, haha. 

On Sunday, I was asked DURING SACRAMENT MEETING FROM THE PULPIT to go up and give a talk on the atonement of Christ. I basically just recited what I remembered from my farewell talk 2 weeks ago. We also did a special musical number during the meeting. We sang "Joseph Smith's first prayer, " To the tune of "Homeward Bound." Rehearsals were a bit of a struggle but the performance turned out pretty good! 

Also, our district has been asked to be hosts on missionary entry day on Wednesday. Which means I'll greet a sister and their family at their car, will help her say goodbye, and will take her through her new home. It'll be hard because I know how hard saying goodbye was for me, so I just hope I can help her and empathize with her. I really am excited though. Also, my cousin Joseph Kertamus is about to become Elder Kertamus and enters on Wednesday! His will be the FIRST familiar face I'll see since I left 12 days ago. It's crazy. I'm beyond excited. 

It's been a crazy week. Things aren't easy. My companion and I struggled a lot this week. We are still trying to understand one another but I have faith that things will be okay. We were put together for a reason and there's absolutely something we both need learn from each other.   The gospel of Jesus Christ is amazing. There are miracles that I've never considered before that happen to each of us on a daily basis. 

Color Coordinated

I'm praying for you always and I know that no matter what, through Christ, we can do all things. 

Thank you for your letters and emails! They keep me going especially when times get rough. 

Talk to you next week!! 

OR NOT.  I wrote this email on Monday night before p day. Let's just say, a few major things happened last night that I should mention. 

Before I start, don't worry, we are all okay now. But there's a reason I have so much email time today. 

Last night, my companion was giving us each a massage. Apparently, I was pretty tense so she worked out the knots in my neck. After she had finished, I sat up and immediately felt weak and lightheaded. I was struggling to sit upright and kept falling back to the floor. The other sisters helped me onto the bed and I thought I just needed to sleep. Sister Hill insisted something wasn't right and had our sister training leaders come over to see how I was. Again, I felt just fine but I was starting to feel extra shaky too. As time passed and as prayers were said, I started losing control of my limbs and they just started twitching, then went to tremors, then went to thrashing. I had no control and all of this movement had me out of breath. 

There must have been 20 people in our room including police, security, and paramedics by the time I started to black out. I received a priesthood blessing and my sisters started to sing, " Where can I turn for peace," my favorite church hymn.   And then I got to experience my first ride in an ambulance.  

They hooked me up to so many monitors and devices when we arrived and had to hold my arms down so they could check my blood pressure because they were shaking so bad. Finally, they gave me a muscle relaxer and gave it to me through my hip with the longest needle you've ever seen. Sister Skinner just clutched my hand until it was over.   The tremors started to slow down and we were told to just sit and relax for a while. They turned the light off and I passed out real quick. At around 3:00 am, we made it back to the residence. We were greeted by the sisters who just hugged me, cried with me, and prayed for me. I love them so very much. 

Today is still pretty rough. But things are better. Besides, it's P day! And I get to talk to the people I love the most. 

The gospel is true brothers and sisters. Heavenly Father sees us and loves us more than you could ever imagine. I love you all more than you could ever imagine. 

Talk to you in one Week! Here's to pushing forward with faith. 

Sister Westover 

Week 1: The MTC

My first day in the MTC

Hi everyone! Week one is complete and yes, I'm alive! Just for future reference, before I begin, my P day for the next three weeks is on Tuesdays. So I'll get to send my weekly update with pictures then.  When I leave the MTC however, my P day will be on Monday! Also, because of Thanksgiving, there are no new missionaries arriving next week. This is why I entered the MTC last week instead of this week. It was either learn in the MTC for 2 weeks and leave, or for 4 weeks and leave. I'm here for 4 weeks which means I have three left! Also, another item of business is emails. PLEASE SEND ME EMAILS. I have more time than you think, haha. I love getting emails, I thought it would be a distraction but, I save them for the harder times in my week and they seriously motivate me a ton. I also wanna hear from you guys!! Don't feel like you're being a burden for sending me an email. 

Okay. Here we go. e MTC

I entered the MTC on Wednesday the 15th and it was the most stressful day ever. I thought my farewell was stressful... not a chance. My grandparents dropped me off and a sister missionary host escorted me through the campus and I made it to my residence room. I was the last one in my district to enter so I got last pick of closets and beds. Yes, I'm in the corner, on the top bunk closest to the window, right next to the heater which essentially should be a good thing, but MTC rooms are HOT. 

I immediately went up to the computer lab in T4 which is a brand new building and it's seriously beautiful. On every floor there are 2 massive murals, so 10 total in just one of the buildings (I'll send along a picture of Moses parting the sea ).  

The Missionary Training Center in Provo, Utah

The Red Sea mural in the newly built section of the MTC

I was allowed to send an email to my family just to say I'm in and okay. This is also where I met my companion. 

Her name is Sister Skinner and she is from Island Park, Idaho. The first few days between us felt a little rough. She's very opinionated and has a bit of a temper. And since we were all a little stressed, it was more noticeable and definitely stressful to be in the middle of. She's never left the state of Idaho before and has never flown on an airplane so she frequently warns me that I may have a broken hand by the end of the 5-hour flight to PA. She and I have definitely gotten better though and we actually work really well together we have learned to love each other and are killing it in our lessons with investigators. We balance each other pretty well now. 

My first companion, Sister Skinner

The other sisters in our district include Sister Hill and Sister Green ( We joke that their theme song is the hymn, " There is a green hill far away." One of these days, we will rewrite the words for them). There is also Sister Willes and Sister Peterson. Sister Peterson and I met on Facebook before my mission and chatted because our MTC date and mission was the same. She's so awesome! 

The elders in our district are incredible. And yes, I've locked my heart, don't worry. We have Elder Guinn and Elder Vimahi ( He's from Hawaii ), We have Elder Johnson and Elder Lopez ( They are going to the Omaha Nebraska mission ).. okay I gotta talk about Elder Lopez. This Elder isn't real I swear. He's THE MOST SPIRITUAL HUMAN ON THIS PLANET. Imagine Elder Holland or Bednar or even the prophet. They wouldn't believe that someone this In tune with the teachings of Christ actually exists. Trust me my description doesn't even come close to who he is. He's incredible. Next, we have Elder Norton and Elder Hale ( Elder Hale is the district leader and Elder Norton is the one photobombing my picture with sister Skinner below. ) Finally, there's Elder Nichols and Elder Stevenett and they are also going to the Nebraska mission. We honestly have the greatest district ever. 

My District

Our teachers are out of this world. Sister Pito is awesome and so is Brother Cheung. Brother Cheung teaches with the spirit like no one else does. I have felt the spirit stronger with him as my teacher than with anyone else. I wish you could all listen to him speak. He's just so real with us and I've almost filled up a whole notebook from his classes.

Classes

Learning to be a missionary

Also, on day one, I found Sister Cunningham and it filled me with so much peace. I didn't know anyone well and I felt alone and terrified and I seriously wanted to come home. So I took a minute to calm myself and walk out of my room and I see her from behind and I wasn't sure it was her so I just yelled, " KENZIE CUNNINGHAM????" She turned around and We ran into each other and hugged the lives out of each other. It was just what I needed. It think she's rooming on the same floor as me too.

The food is okay... it's all processed and canned, which is what I expected, but it's also just.. not good at all. Sister Walker was so right. And here's the thing. The chocolate milk isn't any different from the stuff you would get at a Wal-Mart, but because everything else tastes so processed, it tastes divine. On Monday all I had for dinner was chocolate milk because I wasn't hungry, and nothing was super appetizing. But it's really pretty okay, my family sent me a box of goodies for my roommates and on Sunday, they brought in ice cream from the BYU CREAMERY! Sooooooo good. 

The devotionals have been pretty spectacular and I was already asked to play the piano for a special musical number last Sunday. At one meeting, we were talking about being a missionary at Christmas time and the mission President referenced some song lyrics. He said, " Theres this popular song from the pentatonix and it's called Mary did you know. " 

I'm still getting used to the language used here. I can't say "girls," " boys,"" you guys," or first names. It's always, Brother, Sister, Elder, or President. I also never realized how weird my last name is.  I don't normally say it this much, haha. I'm getting better though! 

Brothers and sisters, the MTC is unlike any experience you've ever imagined. If you have thought about serving a mission later in life, heed the advice of my own father, " Feel the fear, and do it anyway." It will absolutely change your life and I've only been here for a week. I wish you could all just walk through these halls and feel how thick the spirit is. 

Now, I wanna be real with you too. It isn't all butterflies and rainbows. My first few days were the hardest days ever and I wanted to go home more than anything. I felt so isolated, scared, inadequate, and more than anything alone. 

On Friday night I was feeling particularly down and was just irritated with everyone. I was required on that night to go through a mental and stress level evaluation thing with the second counselor of my branch. I started to just do what I always do. "Oh yeah, everything's fine! The gospel is great and the church is true!" He knew so much better though and I honestly just spilled it all out.   I told him I was overwhelmed. I told him that the days leading up to my departure were the hardest days of my life and I was under so much physical, spiritual, and emotional stress.  I told him everything just hurts right now and I am tired of being told over and over again that every missionary feels this way at first and gets over it. But listen, I'm not just every other missionary. I'm sorry but my missionary name tag doesn't say, "Sister Missionary." It literally says, "Sister Westover. " I'm still ME. And I still struggle, a lot apparently. It was hard for me to grasp the fact that I was sacrificing my time, energy, and normal and comfortable life and that no matter how many prayers I seem to offer, heavenly father wasn't answering me. I was doing this for him wasn't I? For this gospel? I have a testimony but why is He silent? 

The counselor just looked at me and said, "I know exactly why this is happening to you. And I feel prompted to tell you."  So I listened to the words that he said which were 100% inspired. 

He said this. " For 19 years, you've lived comfortably in a world where what you knew was simply constant and made sense. Imagine it this way. You're standing on one cliff edge and in order to reach the cliff across from you, which is missionary life, you have to cross a bridge. But, the bridge is unstable, wavering, and could very easily collapse from underneath you if you don't walk carefully. The stress you are describing could indicate a moment when you had slipped while walking on the bridge and are holding on for dear life." 

Holy Goodness is that just the most accurate description, or what?? 

" Sister Westover,  there's a reason why Heavenly Father never fixed that bridge for you. There's a reason you're being asked to travel step by step, by yourself. There's a reason why he still hasn't let up the storms.  The reason is, in the near future, you will be asking those who are ready to receive the light of Christ, to travel across that same bridge, " he said.

They will leave their comfortable lives and will travel across an unstable bridge to a life that is LASTING. 

"Heavenly father needs you as a missionary to know what that feels like. You need to know how that feels so that they don't have to walk alone like you were asked to do. And in the moment when they have tripped and are hanging on for their lives, Heavenly father has trusted YOU to be there WITH THEM on that bridge to stretch forth your hand, lift them up, and to even carry them to the safety that you know awaits on that other side." 

 I was in awe. After he had said these words the spirit taught me something very special through thoughts and impressions that started to enter into my heart and mind. 

The definition of, "invite," isn't "to ask." The definition is literally "to request the company of a person." When we invite investigators to do something, we never expect them to do it alone. We suffer, carry weight, and hurt with them, as Christ would.  

Missionaries are being asked to do a work that is far more sacred than I ever imagined myself to be worthy of performing. Because Christ isn't here on the Earth to perform miracles and to teach the simple truths of his ministry, missionaries are given that great power. Which power is the most sacred responsibility and honor to ever be bestowed upon us? I feel blessed that he trusts me to experience just a sample of what he went through in my own way, so that I might empathize, show kindness, and love in HIS way. 

I love the gospel. I love this Church. I love my savior, my redeemer, and my Elder Brother, Jesus Christ. I testify that he lives and that through him, and only through him, we can be perfect, complete, and whole. 

I miss every one of you more than you could ever imagine. I really do. 

But this is my purpose. And honestly, 18 months is just the beginning. 

Praying for you always. 

Sister Westover