It's essentially pretty simple to keep up the emails and to talk about hard things that are going on. I actually quite enjoy the weekly pep talk I feel like I'm giving as a strength to others, when in reality it's helping me work through things for myself.
You talk first about the exciting things that happened, and then you talk about some of the more difficult moments in your week. You acknowledge God's tender mercies and remember them when you are talking about the darker times you had. BUT no matter how horrible the week was or how hard it was to go through a few tough things, you wrap up your email, praising Christ, trusting God, and sharing hope.
Today, obviously I would like to write in the same way, but I also want you to know that there are SO many moments when I just don't feel that pure love. It isn't always peaches and cream at the end of a difficult week. Happy endings don't ALWAYS come one week after you went through that storm. I can't always bring myself to say that I know that if I trust God, things will work out. I'm stubborn sometimes. I don't always trust God and hand over the reins just like that. I like to hold on tight until I have a handle on a situation that is seemingly spiraling out of control. Then, I like to let God tell me I did a good job by sending me blessings after I made it through the fire. I'm enduring to the end, am I not?
But what if the initial fire and turmoil "gifted" to us, isn't the REAL trial at all? Yeah, it's hard and we will absolutely learn from it, but what if God has another more valuable "gift," wrapped up from within the big one?
I'm using this "gift" analogy mostly because of the holiday, but let me give you an example as to what I mean.
A little over two weeks ago, I was sent home early from my mission. I left the MTC, agonizing over this new change in my plans, said goodbye to the district I grew to love, and came home to friends and family that I wasn't supposed to see again for another 17 months. I'm HOME. And I never thought being in such a place of security and comfort would fill me with such anguish and uneasiness. Distraction is a beautiful thing when everything around you is a reminder of where you COULD be, when you aren't.
This week has been filled with more questions and speculations as to what could be wrong health wise. Still no solid answers, but lots and lots of opinions.. which could be a good thing, but right now? I could care less about what's wrong. I just want back out and for some reason, if I just try hard enough to make this stop on my own, I start thinking I will get back out sooner. I start thinking that by shear will alone, I will get my wish.
More emotional breakdowns this week than last. More of me trying to hold things together and to act like I have a plan in place. More and more trying to find joy in the ugliness of today, when all I want to do is to sit and to allow myself to be upset. Why can't I just let this be hard right now? Why can't I just curl up into a ball and cry over something that I have already cried about on multiple occasions? Yeah, I wish I could've moved on from this and let it go too, but right now, I just can't.
More serving with the sister missionaries this week. I love them to pieces. They help to fill even the smallest desire to continue serving like I thought I would be doing in PA. As fun and as beautiful as this opportunity is, I can't help but wish I was wearing MY nametag. I could introduce myself as Sister Westover. But instead, my name is Charlotte, a member on splits.
Received emails notifying me that my missionary email would be shut down if I was home for more than 6 months. Received a phone call from the missionary department, thanking me for my service as a missionary. They sent me two more emails with talks from general authorities about readjusting to life after serving a full time mission. I'm sure you can just imagine my thought process when I received these things. I'll let you decide how I reacted instead of me writing it out here, haha.
Today, I wished I was having my first Christmas as a missionary. I wished I was having dinners with those members, I wished I was skyping my family from the other side of the country, I wished my companion and I could open up stockings and gifts from our families together. Instead, I learned to ignore the notifications sent to me from my facebook missionary page showing all of these families seeing their missionary on a big screen on this Christmas day. Well, guess what?? I get to see my family in person on Christmas day. Beat that..
Even still, being home doesnt seem like the better option here.
What can I say. I MISS my MISSION. And being HERE hurts a lot.
Back to my silly gift analogy though, I did have a point to that. I think...
I do know that God loves us and knows us individually. As I mentioned before, I am fairly independent and want to take control of a situation gone wrong. I feel like I can fix it and then things will be okay.
Heavenly Father knows that about me. He knows that I am aware that He is asking me to go through something hard, and am expecting to reap the promised blessings after all is said and done.
But I haven't even begun to tackle the REAL task he is asking me to work at. I don't think coming home and feeling such emotion or loss is the biggest piece of this puzzle that needs to be solved.
I'm embarrassed to admit that I have not yet heeded the advice given in my own favorite song.
I haven't stopped holding on so tight to something that I can't control and never could control in the first place.
I haven't trusted God enough to take me where I need to go. I haven't allowed him to absolutely take charge of each moment and situation.
If Heavenly Father needs me to go to college, I pull back and tell him I want THIS instead.
If Heavenly Father needs me to be patient and let myself heal, I get angry and wonder why all the tests have come back clear.
If Heavenly Father says, Charlotte, I need you to stay here for 6 months or longer.. I start to get scared.
I start to question why I'm fighting so hard for something that was yanked out from underneath me.
Brothers and Sisters, this week I am going to try to simply "Let it Go."
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| Christmas Eve with my family |
I can't promise at all that I will have come to terms with my current state of being right where I am by the end of the week. I can't promise I will be perfectly okay with whatever the wait may be to return to my mission. I can't promise I will be satisfied with whatever the doctors and counselors tell me.
But I do promise that I'm going to try.
I gave God permission to mold me into who he needed me to be before I left home. Which means that this moment of my life right now, must clearly be an answer to my own heartfelt prayer.
How could I possibly reject such a personal gift from my Eternal Father?
Brothers and Sisters, I know it isn't going to be easy, but I have to see this trial as just that, a gift. And I would never reject a gift, especially from God himself. THAT much I can promise you for sure.
Hope you had a verry merry Christmas!!! Also thanks for letting me just journal about everything basically in email form. It really does feel good.
Here are some pictures from my week!
Love you all.
Sister Charlotte Westover
You may not remember me from church, it was a long time ago, but went to the same building your family did out in the thurston area.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are having to go through all this right now with your health - I know the last place you want to be right now is at home instead of being at the MTC- I know how you are feeling when you thinking why I am going through this?, I have thought the same many times - why did he pick me?
Even though you may not see it right now, he has something here for you - something that he needs you for, in time that will be revealed to you - it may be something small or maybe something big, or may be something that don’t even recognize - just know that he is not done with you here yet.
God will never give us more than what we can handle - it may seem like it sometimes, but with his strength we can endure anything. You can try and fight the plan that God has for you, argue with him all you want - but in the end he will always place you on the path that he has chosen for you - not the path that you have chosen.
One of the hardest parts of this whole process is learning to loosen your grip on those things that you can change, and those things you think you have control over and give everything over to him - and not just hoping that all will work out - you have to positively know in your heart that God will make everything right- and in the end, it may not work out just as you had it all planned - but it will work out perfectly according to the plan that god has for your life.
I believe god will have you back at the MTC when he is done with what he wants to do in your life right now- you may never know why is brought you back home - but he knows exactly what he is doing. Take things one day at a time.
I have had to learn these things to - I had a totally different plans for my life - then he threw in a big mix of medical issues, and that totally derailed my plans - things started to get back on track once I let him have total control of what’s going on in my life - and I can’t thank him enough for putting me on the right path.
I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers, as well and the doctors and everyone else involved in your care that they would be able to figure out what’s going on soon, and that you can continue to follow the path the God has set in front of you.
Scott Thayer