Christmas at home and Let it Go

Really difficult week and I just need to be honest. I have no clue what I am doing anymore. 

It's essentially pretty simple to keep up the emails and to talk about hard things that are going on. I actually quite enjoy the weekly pep talk I feel like I'm giving as a strength to others, when in reality it's helping me work through things for myself. 

You talk first about the exciting things that happened, and then you talk about some of the more difficult moments in your week.   You acknowledge God's tender mercies and remember them when you are talking about the darker times you had.   BUT no matter how horrible the week was or how hard it was to go through a few tough things, you wrap up your email, praising Christ, trusting God, and sharing hope. 

Today, obviously I would like to write in the same way, but I also want you to know that there are SO many moments when I just don't feel that pure love. It isn't always peaches and cream at the end of a difficult week. Happy endings don't ALWAYS come one week after you went through that storm.  I can't always bring myself to say that I know that if I trust God, things will work out. I'm stubborn sometimes. I don't always trust God and hand over the reins just like that. I like to hold on tight until I have a handle on a situation that is seemingly spiraling out of control. Then, I like to let God tell me I did a good job by sending me blessings after I made it through the fire. I'm enduring to the end, am I not? 

But what if the initial fire and turmoil "gifted" to us, isn't the REAL trial at all? Yeah, it's hard and we will absolutely learn from it, but what if God has another more valuable "gift," wrapped up from within the big one? 

I'm using this "gift" analogy mostly because of the holiday, but let me give you an example as to what I mean. 

A little over two weeks ago, I was sent home early from my mission. I left the MTC, agonizing over this new change in my plans, said goodbye to the district I grew to love, and came home to friends and family that I wasn't supposed to see again for another 17 months.   I'm HOME. And I never thought being in such a place of security and comfort would fill me with such anguish and uneasiness. Distraction is a beautiful thing when everything around you is a reminder of where you COULD be, when you aren't. 

This week has been filled with more questions and speculations as to what could be wrong health wise. Still no solid answers, but lots and lots of opinions.. which could be a good thing, but right now? I could care less about what's wrong. I just want back out and for some reason, if I just try hard enough to make this stop on my own, I start thinking I will get back out sooner. I start thinking that by shear will alone, I will get my wish.

More emotional breakdowns this week than last. More of me trying to hold things together and to act like I have a plan in place. More and more trying to find joy in the ugliness of today, when all I want to do is to sit and to allow myself to be upset. Why can't I just let this be hard right now? Why can't I just curl up into a ball and cry over something that I have already cried about on multiple occasions? Yeah, I wish I could've moved on from this and let it go too, but right now, I just can't. 

More serving with the sister missionaries this week. I love them to pieces. They help to fill even the smallest desire to continue serving like I thought I would be doing in PA. As fun and as beautiful as this opportunity is, I can't help but wish I was wearing MY nametag. I could introduce myself as Sister Westover. But instead, my name is Charlotte, a member on splits. 

Received emails notifying me that my missionary email would be shut down if I was home for more than 6 months. Received a phone call from the missionary department, thanking me for my service as a missionary. They sent me two more emails with talks from general authorities about readjusting to life after serving a full time mission. I'm sure you can just imagine my thought process when I received these things. I'll let you decide how I reacted instead of me writing it out here, haha. 

Today, I wished I was having my first Christmas as a missionary. I wished I was having dinners with those members, I wished I was skyping my family from the other side of the country, I wished my companion and I could open up stockings and gifts from our families together.   Instead, I learned to ignore the notifications sent to me from my facebook missionary page showing all of these families seeing their missionary on a big screen on this Christmas day. Well, guess what?? I get to see my family in person on Christmas day. Beat that.. 

Even still, being home doesnt seem like the better option here. 

What can I say. I MISS my MISSION. And being HERE hurts a lot. 

Back to my silly gift analogy though, I did have a point to that. I think...

I do know that God loves us and knows us individually. As I mentioned before, I am fairly independent and want to take control of a situation gone wrong. I feel like I can fix it and then things will be okay. 

Heavenly Father knows that about me. He knows that I am aware that He is asking me to go through something hard, and am expecting to reap the promised blessings after all is said and done. 

But I haven't even begun to tackle the REAL task he is asking me to work at. I don't think coming home and feeling such emotion or loss is the biggest piece of this puzzle that needs to be solved. 

I'm embarrassed to admit that I have not yet heeded the advice given in my own favorite song. 

I haven't stopped holding on so tight to something that I can't control and never could control in the first place. 

I haven't trusted God enough to take me where I need to go. I haven't allowed him to absolutely take charge of each moment and situation. 

If Heavenly Father needs me to go to college, I pull back and tell him I want THIS instead. 

If Heavenly Father needs me to be patient and let myself heal, I get angry and wonder why all the tests have come back clear. 

If Heavenly Father says, Charlotte, I need you to stay here for 6 months or longer.. I start to get scared. 

I start to question why I'm fighting so hard for something that was yanked out from underneath me. 

Brothers and Sisters, this week I am going to try to simply "Let it Go." 

Christmas Eve with my family

I can't promise at all that I will have come to terms with my current state of being right where I am by the end of the week. I can't promise I will be perfectly okay with whatever the wait may be to return to my mission. I can't promise I will be satisfied with whatever the doctors and counselors tell me.

But I do promise that I'm going to try. 

I gave God permission to mold me into who he needed me to be before I left home. Which means that this moment of my life right now, must clearly be an answer to my own heartfelt prayer. 

How could I possibly reject such a personal gift from my Eternal Father? 

Brothers and Sisters, I know it isn't going to be easy, but I have to see this trial as just that, a gift. And I would never reject a gift, especially from God himself. THAT much I can promise you for sure. 

Hope you had a verry merry Christmas!!! Also thanks for letting me just journal about everything basically in email form. It really does feel good. 

Here are some pictures from my week! 

Love you all.

Sister Charlotte Westover  

Recuperating from home, and the hunt for what's wrong

Last week I have had the glorious opportunity to go out with the trio of Sisters over the Springfield 4th and 5th ward. They are seriously AWESOME! And I wish I took pictures with them, but I will try to do better about that this week. 

On Tuesday, Sister Rhoton and I went tracting near Mountaingate across main street and it was QUITE the adventure. The very first door we knocked on was opened by someone clearly on something and he just said, " OH you ladies came at the WRONG time.." Sister Rhoton asked what he meant by that and he just said, " I'm about to get REAL High right now..."

The next evening I went out with Sister Hawkins and we visited an investigator with a baptism date name Kyra. She has two little girls and is just super sweet. We showed her the Light the World video and taught a quick lesson. Love them!

Sister McClellan and I also went tracting this week and ran into a lot of people who are just as crazy as many of the others we had encountered. We are continuing to share our Light the World video because its a short and sweet way to invite them to act this Christmas season and to learn more about Christ. We have also just been going around asking if families have any Christmas traditions.

ANYWAYS... 

We also met with this guy named Mitchell Saturday morning and before I went, I asked heavenly father what I should study in my scriptures. I turned to the last book of First Nephi and just studied that chapter because why not?  We got there, and he had been studying the book of Mormon that week and had questions about certain verses in the last book of First Nephi. CRAZY RIGHT?? #Blessings!  Mitchell is a pretty interesting guy, but we love him anyways. 

I'm skipping around a bit, but on Friday night, I went to the Christmas Feaste at the High school with my family and it was SO weird to be back there. I only just graduated in June so everything is still pretty familiar but again, its hard not to think about all of these events I WANTED to go to, but knew I would be gone on my mission for. Part of me feels super guilty when I go see things like this feaste, Coco, Star Wars, Olaf's Frozen Adventure, etc because I wasn't supposed to be here for them. I'm still adjusting to that idea I guess. 

On Saturday night, I got to spend a few hours with Kayla which was SO needed. We watched some of the new Tangled the Series episodes and took breaks in between to talk about just.. EVERYTHING. Felt amazing and I love her a lot. 

At church on Sunday, I was studying the book of Matthew and the speaker that day in Sacrament meeting out of the blue started referencing the exact verses I was marking. Matthew Chapter 4 is amazing by the way, I highly recommend. And again, #Blessings! 

Wednesday was a really hard day for me. Last Wednesday was the day my district from the MTC made the trip from Provo Utah to Pittsburgh Pennsylvania. I wanted to be with them so desperately. I didn't want to start thinking about the next steps in this whole process. Get a job? Start a term of college? I just wouldn't even think about it because I wasn't supposed to need that. I was supposed to worry about those things after my mission was over. And still being in missionary mode, I wouldn't let this dream of getting right back out die just yet. 

We decided to go to the temple that day which was super important for me. 

The temple in Portland is about two hours away from where I live, and I had a lot of time to just think about how I was feeling in the car. Probably too much time to think, because I was in tears almost the entire way up. I got an email while we drove from Ava, one of my investigators in the MTC. She just felt prompted to email me right then and to thank me for the way I was able to teach her at the MTC. She had heard that I went home and she wanted to let me know that she could feel so strongly that I was home for a purpose beyond what I could imagine. Obviously, this only made me cry more, but it was such a sweet tender mercy. Heavenly Father knew I needed comfort and the holy ghost prompted Ava to reach out to me when I needed it most. I love everything about this gospel brothers and sisters. Miracles are absolutely real. 

Portland temple day with my parents

On Sunday night, I was feeling a little lightheaded and sick and after going 7 days without any major medical issues, my body went through another one of these episodes. I was so upset that I had gone without one for so long and that this was happening to me again.

Yesterday, Monday, I was still feeling pretty lightheaded and shaky and wasn't really sure why. My family picked me up to go and see the new Star Wars movie, and by the end of it, I was afraid to move my body because I knew moving even a little bit could set this whole thing off again.   As we left, my body started convulsing again and muscles were out of my control. My Dad and I then spent the next 6 hours of the day in the ER sitting, waiting, doing blood tests, filling out paperwork, and even doing an MRI.   I absolutely didn't want to be there. 

I was so sick of doing this. It was my first time back in the ER since I first went three weeks ago, on that same day. I was ready to pass out and just exhausted, but we had to just keep pushing through because I really wanted any answers or information they could give me.

And then tender mercies started FLOODING in.   A lady came into the room where I was laying and wheeled me over to take the MRI. She asked me if I wanted to listen to some music while I was in the machine for the next 25 minutes. I said sure and she gave me these huge head phones and turned on some Christmas music. 

For those of you who haven't experienced an MRI before, it is SUPER loud and kinda claustrophobic. I wasn't too worried about any of that because I was so sleepy anyways and could've easily fallen asleep in there, but it meant that I could only hear the first three christmas songs or so until the machine got too loud to hear anything. 

First song was Idina Menzel singing an original from her Christmas album. I just kinda chuckled because it was a pretty cool coincidence right? The Queen herself was singing while I was getting my head scanned. Awesome. 

Second song is one that some of you may not recognize. But as I've done splits with the missionaries, lately we have been really trying to share the Light the World videos. All of a sudden the instrumental music to those cute little videos started playing through those headphones. WHAT?? Where did they even get that music? Helping the missionaries, I have heard that song play over and over again and it was amazing that I was hearing that song here in the Riverbend  MRI machine. The machine was getting louder so I only heard bits and pieces of the next song, but throughout the song, I heard the word Pennsylvania sung multiple times. I was stunned. 

After the MRI was over, I was super lightheaded and dizzy. The lady wheeled me back into the room with my Dad, who was flipping through the TV channels. 

I wasn't worried before now. But all of a sudden this fear of the doctors actually finding something on the MRI sunk in. I didn't want to show it so I just swallowed those thoughts the best that I could and tried to relax and get my head back on straight. 

My Dad was flipping through and stopped on one of the channels. And of Course, Frozen was playing. 

I'm sorry, but what are the odds of that??????? 

I am still amazed Brothers and Sisters. Amazed. 

The doctor returned. Blood work was clear, MRI showed that my brain was okay and I didn't have any tumors!

I was thrilled. And then I was frustrated. 

Because we are no closer than when we started to figuring out what got me sent home. But, now at least the process has begun. And finding answers is in our future. 

I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I love the scriptures. 

I know that the Book of Mormon is the word of God. It teaches each of us differently according to our needs if we seek to find understanding and guidance. 

Miracles aren't huge events that rarely occur
.

Miracles are a DAILY occurrence. But they are only noticeable if we choose to see them as such. 

My challenge for you this week, is to write down the miracles you witnessed. Both the big and the small. 

I promise that the more you look for these tender mercies, the closer to God you will become. I truly believe that He is so much closer to each of us than we ever thought. He is aware of you. He sees you and understands your aches and pains. He Loves you. His Love is infinite. And because of Christ, all things are possible. 

I'm fighting for that nametag...  But Mostly for His Name. 

Week 4, home for the holidays

Hiya Brothers and Sisters! Its P day and I am so relieved. 

Let me just start with telling you how much I love and care about all of you. 

Tomorrow, our MTC district is Pittsburgh bound!! I couldnt be more excited for everyone. 

Well, I'll just start with what we did this week and go from there. Last P day, we got up early, did some laundry, emailed home and I remember drinking lots of chocolate milk because why on Earth not??   We also went to the Temple on P day as a district one last time and tried to catch a session together since we only had one week left at the MTC. It was so good to feel the spirit so strongly and be with my second family in one of my favorite places, the Temple. 

We had a devotional Tuesday night and talked as a District afterwards. The spirit is probably the greatest teacher I've ever known because to this day, I am reminded of words said in devotionals and continue to gain different teachings and truths from them.

I don't remember much about Wednesday other than it was pretty normal until I went through another attack. I had gone a whole day without any medication or symptoms at all and I was feeling so good, but all good things must come to an end at some point I suppose.   My body started shaking and this time, I could feel myself about to pass out. I warned Sister Skinner in advance because as my body shook, I could just feel myself losing consciousness. About two minutes later, all movement stopped because I had blacked out.

Sister Skinner stayed with me while I slept for two hours after that while the others went to class. My body was tired and I was mentally and emotionally exhausted when I immediately woke up and started to tremor again. 

I quickly took my medication and was pretty drowsy and out of it for the rest of the evening. Lets just say, I slept pretty well that night.

On Thursday, Sister Peterson went with  me to my Doctors appointments and counseling appointments. They were super happy that I had gone a full day without any issue, but of course, I had to tell them about what had happened on Wednesday. They told me after that, that later in the day, a council with District leaders would be held to determine what the next step was for me. I was so stressed out all day long. I couldn't believe that by the end of the day, I would know if I was staying at the MTC or would have to go home.   I tried really hard to concentrate in my classes. I tried to teach with real intent and study for our investigators, but it was hard to keep everything all bottled up inside of me. 

At around 3:00, Sister Green and I left so I could go to meet with the District leader in the MTC who had attended the meeting about the decision of my health. I was so scared.  Sister Green and I walked through the MTC store to kill some time while we waited and I tried not to show how much stress the waiting was causing me. I didn't want to go home. I was convinced that those words would kill me.   We made our way to the District offices in the building S1. I left Sister Green sitting there in a separate room, while I followed a brother just down the hall and into his office.  He had me take a seat, I quickly took note of a strategically placed box of tissues placed right next to me, and he told me to tell him everything about my MTC experience, including health struggles. 

I poured out my heart to him because I was afraid of what was coming. 

He told me that he met with my counselors, doctors, and district leaders about my health and situation. He said they prayed to know what to do. 

They were sending me Home. 

I wish I could say I understood what those words meant initially. In my mind, I thought it was all a big joke and I was ready for him to REALLY tell me what came next.   It started to set in however when he called up my stake president on the phone right then and there. He told me I would need to come back after dinner to receive my flight plans for the following day. He said that it would be wise for me to start packing soon so I could be ready to go early the next morning.   He was so sorry to be the one to explain all of this. He told me he could tell I have a true desire to serve and to do what I love. He told me that this was a part of Heavenly Fathers Plan and that at some point, it will hopefully all become clear to me. 

But I wasn't listening any more. I didn't want to hear another word. 

I wiped my tears the best that I could and walked over to Sister Green. I didn't say anything to her at first because I didn't want to. I didn't want those words to even come out of my mouth because it wasn't really happening to me. I KNEW this would never happen to ME. 

I was still wiping tears as we walked out of S1 and I think Sister Green could just tell what had happened. 

I remember exiting the building and looking at her and trying not to let the words catch in my throat or to start sobbing again..

"They're sending me home.." 

She just wrapped an arm around me as we slowly walked back to the classroom. We tried to crack jokes to keep our spirits up. I tried to distract myself. This wasnt actually happening. I refused to believe it. 

As we walked up the stairs, our teacher, Brother Chueng, met us at the top. He saw us coming and before I continued I just stood there, crying and said, " Brother Chueng, I'm going home."   He just nodded his head and started walking down the stairs to where we were standing. And then he did something that is strongly advised against for Elders and Brothers in the MTC.  He gave me a hug.

We walked to the classroom where Brother Chueng asked for Sister Skinner, my companion, to come out with all of her things.   She saw us in the hallway and saw my tears and I remember her saying, "What's wrong?" I had forgotten that she had no idea about any of this yet.  I explained the best I could to her what was going on and she and I sobbed in the middle of a hallway filled with classes. 

The rest of the evening was a blur. I was angry, I was exhausted, but I was mostly sad. 

My Sisters helped me pack my things quicker than I thought possible. We all went and took a shower that evening and we all sang hymns from our separate shower stalls. After we finished, we sat on the bathroom floor together and continued to sing hymns. 

I bore my testimony to my district that night. I told them I loved them. 

The next morning, all of the Elders met us at our residence dressed in suits and ties so they could walk me into S1 where I had asked for a blessing. 

The Sisters took a seat and Elder Hale, our district leader, offered the blessing. Every other Elder in our district joined and the spirit was so very strong. I had never been more grateful for my MTC family than I had at that very moment. 

The Elders took my suitcases and we all walked to the travel office where I returned my room key, safe lock, and they wiped my MTC card. 

I started to say goodbye to my family. It felt no different from when I said goodbye to my immediate family almost 4 weeks ago at the Eugene airport as I headed to the MTC. 

I was finishing my goodbyes and my district started singing, "God be with you til we meet again." 

I said goodbye to my companion last. 

I walked over to the vehicle which would take me to the airport and I closed the door. I looked back out the window and waved as the van pulled out. 

We turned the corner, and they were gone. 

Honestly, I still can't believe any of this happened. It seems like I made it up or I dreamed it. But truthfully, this was all very real and very hard for me. 

I cried once I made it to the airport. I cried as I sat on that plane thinking about what had just happened. I cried when my parents met me in Eugene. I cried when I was asked to take off my nametag. I cried when I hugged my sisters again. I cried when I saw my Best friend. I cried when I went to sacrament meeting in my home ward. I cried when I went caroling with my family. I cry when people look at me in shock, wondering why I'm home all of a sudden. 

You would think I would run out of tears right? 

Everyone who knows me, knows Charlotte can and will cry at any given moment so Im sure no one is really all that surprised. 

Brothers and Sisters. I may not wear the nametag, I may not be at the MTC, I may not be boarding a plane to Pennsylvania tomorrow, next week, or even next month. But as much as I want to believe that nothing will get better, I KNOW that it will. 

There is work to be done. 

I gave my life to God for 18 months. I CHOSE that. Why should I get to dictate how He uses it? This isn't MY mission. This is his. I am simply His mouthpiece. 

I testify that there is a plan in place. I can't wait to see that plan unfold and become something I never knew was possible. 

I testify that Christ is the savior of the world. 

I know that his gospel is true. 

And when you KNOW that much, why should I ever have anything to complain about?

I love you all. 

Sister Charlotte Westover 

week 3, MTC

Hey guys, it has been a really crazy week for sure, but I'm still so grateful for the opportunities I've had and the tender mercies I've seen. 

Hmm. Where should I start? 

Last week, I went to the ER so that was an adventure. Ever since that experience, my body hasn't really been acting the same way. I've been very sick this week and have been to many doctors appointments because of muscle spasms attacks and episodes. Quite frankly, I'm exhausted from these episodes, and it's super embarrassing when I randomly pass out in the middle of class. I'm pretty tired of blood tests and counseling appointments, but hopefully, it will have all been worth it! 

On Friday, I was REALLY struggling. They had just drawn blood and missed three out of the four times so I was super lightheaded and bruised. I was given a prescription and was told that if things got worse, or if I can't go without the pills without having an episode, they would have to send me home for further treatment. 

NOPE. It just really scared me that I had gotten this far and that this was a topic of conversation all of a sudden. I have missed so many meetings and classes because I black out and I have just really felt worthless as a missionary. 

We went to pick up my prescription that day and sister Skinner received an email from the boy that she was with back home. The email basically explained that he had moved on and that she should stop reaching out to him. 

As we walked to class, we both decided we needed a really good cry. We grabbed a tissue box and just let it all out in an empty zone room. 

When we came back, our teacher immediately shifted gears and we went for a walk as a district. Our teacher stayed behind to chat with us and check in on how we were doing. We turned the corner and I saw my district, outside in the cold, on their knees.... I turned to Sister Skinner and just cried. Our new family was incredible and they were praying for us. It was the greatest tender mercy of the day and I love them one hundred times more than I already have for it. 

Today, I am feeling more confident and ready to tackle PA. With one week left, I am reminded that my 100 percent effort is different from that of other missionaries. Heavenly Father knows where I am at right now. He knows that I have the desire to study, teach, and learn. I also know that he is happy with what I have been able to give regardless of health struggles. 

Another tender mercy occurred on Wednesday! Our district was asked to host the new missionaries and as I started to walk with a sister that needed help, I saw my Kertamus Cousins including Amber Stotts dropping of my Cousin Joseph! It probably wasn't allowed, but they all jumped out of the car and ran over to me to give me hugs. It was incredible and SOOOO needed. 

I also saw Elder Kertamus that night at dinner and we allowed a "Handshake Bro Hug" since we are cousins after all. It was so good to see another familiar face in the MTC. 

Hosting the new Missionaries

My cousin, Elder Joseph Kertamus

Sister Cunningham (Sister from my home stake) left this morning which is way sad but also super duper exciting. I just love her a lot and I know that she is going to do amazing things in Boston. 

A friendly face from home...Sister Cunningham

Some of the Sisters in our District decided we all needed matching Pittsburgh Shirts so we each purchased two different styles. SOO cute! 

Sorry that I don't have anything more exciting or uplifting to report on, but I do know this. 

Heavenly Father is completely aware of our situations and our desires. I am really exhausted, sometimes I'm confused, I often miss my best friend, my family, my ward, and my home... But I also feel like I AM at home while I'm here. The people I have met have become my family and we have all gone through some pretty tough things over the past three weeks. But I absolutely wouldn't trade it for anything. 

In class, after I had passed out earlier that morning due to an attack, we were reverently discussing our heavenly mother. I remember thinking about my own mother and wished I could be near her even for a moment. And then probably the coolest experience of the week happened. My muscles started moving against my will again and I started to brace myself for another episode, but I also didn't feel any pain or concern. Just peace. 

I just started rocking back and forth and I felt warm. I recognized the feeling as if I were a little girl again, sitting on my mother's lap, being rocked back and forth in her arms. I was filled with the spirit and in the words of my best friend, I knew that "Everything's going to be okay." It was as if there was someone whom I couldn't see who was there, just holding me. 

Yesterday was a super good day. I was starting to feel myself falling into my spasm episodes and my anxiety counselor allowed me to make a phone call to my parents for a full 45 minutes. I immediately relaxed and felt just fine again. I went longer than I have yet today without another attack! 24 full hours!! Ah, such accomplishments. It's the little things, I tell ya.. 

Well, I hope that you know how much I love you. Oh, how badly I wish I could show you the things I have seen and feel what I've felt. As a coping mechanism for stress, at home, I would listen to music. The counselor gave me permission to listen to any song on my tablet if it makes me calm down. So, I am currently listening to "Our Glorious Family Tree," written by my aunt. I just want to testify that there is truly, " something bigger than you and me," and it is right here and right now. 

I know that my Redeemer lives. I know that God's love is infinite. And it is because of these simple truths that I'm reminded that "Everything's going to be okay." 

THAT is something I can absolutely promise you. 

I'll talk to you next week! I don't leave until next Wednesday so I have one more P day at the Glorious MTC. 

Lots of love.  

Sister Westover