Reunited with my Mission!

I have officially been a missionary for four-ish days!

Its so weird honestly. I was telling my family before I left that it didnt even feel real yet. And now that I am here, it still doesnt! It all feels like a dream, everytime I wake up I think I am still dreaming, haha. Its good though. 

Just as a warning, this is going to b a crazy long email. Read at your own risk, haha. Feel free to skip around if you want!

Okay, so here's the deal. 

If you are deciding to serve a mission, don't come home early right after being in the MTC. The transition from being at home, to going full force, 24/7, in the field, is easily the hardest thing I have ever done. The other missionaries that were coming in with me had just come from the MTC where they were accustomed to living as a missionary, which makes things a little bit easier. HOLY COW THIS WAS SO HARD. But of course, Heavenly Father had a plan and I am already seeing it come to pass. 

Let me just start from the beginning. 

On April 25th, I woke up at 2:00am to get ready to leave for the airport. My flight left at 5:00am and I had said goodbye to my sisters the night before. Needless to say, I didnt get much sleep that night. I think my Mother has already explained a little bit about the chaos of the day on Facebook, but Ill summarize here for you. I said goodbye to my parents and went through security to make the 5:15 flight. I get up there and they tell me that the flight is taking off. I was too late. Which makes no sense because I was on time and they left a bunch of people behind who were also on time. 

I waited in line for an hour to see if they could reroute me and they finally said that the earliest flight they could get me on  was at 7:00 pm from Eugene to LA, LA to Chicago, and Chicago to Pittsburgh. It was a red eye flight and I wouldnt arrive until 7amthe next morning. I discovered that my parents were trying to get a hold of me and I left the gate and went back to the bag check area. I used one of the phones there to call my parents and they came back to see what could be done. I was so tired and discouraged because I felt like I had fought so hard to make it to my mission. Cant I just leave already??

Anyways, we called the missionary department and the travel office, trying to explain the situation while they rerouted me. It was either fly out today, fly out Monday, or wait for the next transfer. Yikes!!!! It had to be today. 

They got me on flights that will get me into Pittsburgh around 8:30 but I would have to switch from Alaska to Delta once I made it to Portland. It was just insanity. 

Anyways, I finally get tickets, say goodbye to my parents once again, and sit in the gate heading to Portland. Almost immediately, we hear over the intercom that the flight was delayed an hour. Which would mean I was going to miss my connecting flights. 

So, again I left the gate and saw my parents. We called and worked with the people in the airport and tried to get things sorted out. It turns out, that the church had only funded my ticket to Portland! So even if I had made that flight, I wouldve been stranded there and they wouldnt have let me get on another plane. The next hour and a half was filled with refunding, rerouting, and trying to fix tickets with errors written in them. 

Finally, by 11:30, I go through security for the THIRD time and head to a get that would get me to Seattle. I said goodbye once again, and FINALLY,  I made it onto my flight. 

NOT TODAY SATAN!!!

Anyways, by the time I got into Pittsburgh, it was 11:30pm and I finally fell asleep at around 3:00am. I had been awake for almost 22 plus hours. And then I had to wake up at 6:00 am, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Hilarious. 

The nice thing about it though, was that on my flight from Minneapolis to Pittsburgh, I sat next to a man named John and he and I had an awesome conversation about the restoration of the church. He was a Catholic and was very receptive. I only wish I had a Book of Mormon to give him at the time! When we landed, President and Sister Bednar were sweet enough to pick me up personally after such a long day. They are the BEST. They are so sweet and hilarious. I cant wait to get to know them better. 

The mission home smelled like Grandma and Grandpa Millar's house which was really awesome. Made it feel more like home. 

As soon as my head hit the pillow though, I panicked SO much. I was really struggling and didn't know what to do. I guess I just convinced myself that I had made the biggest mistake of my life and now I was not able to turn back. I was sobbing and I wanted to go home so bad. I hadnt even started yet but my anxiety was SO over the top bad. 

I woke up exhausted and felt sick to my stomach due to stress. I didnt know any of these missionaries and I didnt want to do this anymore. I cant do this! I tried to eat just so no one would ask me why I wasnt eating.. but I really just wanted to throw up. It was miserable. 

We drove to the Green Tree Branch just outside of Pittsburgh and started training. It took quite a while that morning, but slowly the day got less painful to bear.. 

There were three sisters who came in as our trainers and we anxiously anticipated where we would serve and who would be our companion. These three sisters had only been out in the field for three months. They started training, finished, and now they are training us! 

I was the very first missionary to be assigned and I learned that I was going to be serving in State College, PA. We are serving on Campus at Penn State University and are in charge of the students. This area is different from every other area because of the school schedule and also the campus layout. We are in a walking area and we take the buses everywhere. We also dont have a washer, dryer, or dishwasher, haha. Its pretty fun!

Sister Cutler is my trainer and let me just say, that there is no coincidence that we were assigned as companions. We are the SAME person. If I had a clone it would actually be her. We may not look completely the same, but we are no different when it comes to interests. 

Let me just explain why. 

Sister Cutler and I both have blonde hair and blue eyes. Okay, simple enough. We both like the EXACT same foods. Okay. Sister Cutler and I were both very much involved in Theatre in High School. Okay, better. We both criticize the acting in the training videos put out by the church. We both SING. 

In fact, she went to one semester at BYU Provo and is studying vocal performance so shes really good. She has an effortless soprano voice so we have been harmonizing because I am more of a mezzo soprano. 

We talk about broadway shows and our favorites all the time.. She has seen a lot more than I have but we have similar favorites. 

Before she left on her mission, she performed as a chorus member in the "Lamb of God Oratorio." I JUST DID THAT. CRAZY. We listen to the music and sing along. Its pretty swell. 

Also, you wont even believe it, BUT. She worked for an event company in Centerville Utah and played Princess Rapunzel and Princess Anna at... you guessed it. BIRTHDAY PARTIES. 

IM IN SHOCK. 

But wait theres more!!!

Two years ago, I went on a road trip with my Aunt, Charlotte Booren, her boys, and my sister Jillian. We went to Utah to go and see our uncle in "Shrek the musical." 

Sister Cutler played teenage fiona in the very same show that we went to.

WHATTTTTTTT. 

Isnt this insane?? Like what are the actual odds of this? There are none, thats why. True inspiration. President Bednar truly knows best. 

I will only tell you a little bit about the past few days, because this email is getting really long. SOOOOOO. 

I got my companion, my area, and I headed out the door. Through the glass window, I saw two sister missionaries in a crowd of a hundred missionaries chatting at transfers. As soon as they turned around the three of us ran. Yup, I saw Sister Willes and Sister Peterson. And yes, there were tears. 

Sister Willes got a video and took some pictures. I will try to attach them, but it might have to be next week when I get them from them, haha. 

It was so good to see them again and Sister Willes had a care package already to go for me!! She is just the sweetest. 

About an hour later we climbed into a tiny little car with other missionaries headed to State College and nearby areas. We were crammed together and our location was about three hours away without traffic or delays. Well, lets just say that we definitely had both traffic AND delays. 

I really started to panic BADLY while sitting in that car. I was ready to cry but there were so many sisters around me, how could I? Forget yourself, get to work. Forget yourself. Get to work. Forget yourself. 

I was in so much agony, I begged my heavenly father to take the burden away somehow. I told him that I wanted to be the best missionary I could, but this panic and anxiety was seriously overwhelming me. 

I finished my prayer and immediately needed some air. I was so claustrophobic all of a sudden and couldn't breathe. I rolled down the window and stuck my head out. For a second I thought I might throw up. How embarrassing would that be on my first day with these new sisters? I cant even imagine. 

Oh wait. I can. 

I totally threw up all over the outside of the car, on my dress, and on the inside of the door. 

It was so embarrassing. BUT. 

Let it not be forgotten that Heavenly Father answers our prayers. As soon as I had thrown up, I felt SO much better. The idea of serving a mission didnt seem so awful or intimidating. I could do this. 

We stopped at a gas station to clean up and I did my best to wipe up the puke from, well, basically everywhere. 

Three hours later we made it to State College and we pulled into a church parking lot. 

I saw Sister Hill and we both ran and hugged and cried a whole lot. I looked gross and smelled awful, and didnt even know what to say to her. But it was just what I needed because none of that even mattered. We were back together again as missionaries and that made it worth it. I cant wait to see Sister Green and Sister Skinner. I miss them so very much. 

I told Sister Cutler that I was really struggling that night. I was worried about falling asleep because I didnt want to wake up in Pennsylvania. I was afraid to wake up in Pennsylvania. 

She totally understood and suggested that we listen to a conference talk as we tried to fall asleep. We listened to a talk by Elder Holland and it was just what I needed. It filled my head with the spirit so it couldnt wander off into fear. 

On saturday I tried Thai food for the first time ever! It was DELICIOUS. That same night, Brother Owens, Austin, and a nonmember, Dimitri took us to dinner at a place called, "Golden Wok." It was a restaurant with authentic chinese cuisine and by the time we got there, they had already ordered for us. Sister Cutler and I dont really love fish, so when they brought out the SPICY shrimp with hot peppers, Talapia in Soy sauce, and Flounder (Pretty sure it was raw) we did our best to keep smiling. They later brought out Beef ligaments... Like legit tendons. And boiled bamboo root. How cute. 

Luckily, they had pot stickers and rice!!!!!! Man, it was a good thing that it was the kindof place where you dish up as much as you want so that no one really knows that you didnt eat very much. 

Dimitri really wanted us to try the beef tendons and we almost got away without doing it. I managed to scoop up some of the vegetables mixed in with it while he wasnt looking and ate those, but Im pretty sure Sister Cutler wasnt so lucky. 

Church Yesterday was super great. We are serving in the University 2nd Branch and it is SO tiny. There were probably around 35 to 40 people in sacrament meeting total. 

It was awesome though because one of our less active members, Bailey, was there! She said that she would only come if she could bring her cat Tabitha. So, she brought her cat to church. I told her that when I was at home, I knew a cat named Georgia and she even got baptized once. (Long story short Georgia jumped into a hot tub). 

Well, I am going to try to end this email now. For those of you who made it all the way through it, congrats. But honestly, my next emails will be shorter because now you know who my companion is, what my area is like, and that I am beginning to figure this whole thing out. 

I will leave my mailing address at the end of this email for you all. Please send me mail! I love hearing from all of you so very much. Also, email me whenever your heart desires. I promise I am reading your emails. I will even respond once a week. Isnt that kind of me? Haha, anyways...

Sure do love you!

The gospel is so true brothers and sisters. The spirit is strong and I know that this is where I am supposed to be right now. Its never easy, but always worth it. 

Talk to you in a week!

Sister Westover 

A long term decision and being at peace

Brothers and Sisters! Today is Monday, January 15th, which marks exactly two months since I entered the MTC. 

Well, its been a really crazy week. As I mentioned in my last email, it was also an important week because on Wednesday, I got results from all of the medical tests I did. Before I get into that though, I wanted to reiterate how much I love my Father in Heaven. He has been with me every step of the way and often, I never thank him or recognize until later that He was the reason things worked out. I just wanted to challenge you to remember him in all that you do. When you make hard decisions, counsel with him first. If you do so, I promise the decision you make will always be the right one. 

So! Wednesday was a big day!! I went into the appointment at around 4:00 and I was the last one in the office for the day. Doctor Clark looked through all of my scans, bloodwork, and the EEG. He did another quick physical exam in the room and then we sat and talked for a bit. 

I wasnt really sure what to think or to expect. I didn't want anything to be wrong of course, but I really didn't want NOTHING to be wrong either. Again, it was another opportunity for me to let Heavenly Father take charge and let me trust his planning more fully. 

Well, I got what I wanted, but I also got what I didn't want. The tests came back all clear. Everything was completely normal and there was no medical explanation at this point for what had been going on. But, I was also told by my counselor that he didn't think it was anxiety related?

Luckily, It didn't seem to really matter because the doctor told us that as soon as we were ready, he would sign it off so we could start the process of a speedy return. Which of course was exciting and I was thrilled, but also I was questioning everything. Why did I even get sent home? If Heavenly Father knew this would only be a temporary illness and that it would've started healing itself, why was I sent home at all? 

I very quickly got myself excited for a speedy return rather than asking why I was home.. I emailed my district in PA that very night about the results and I told them that I would be returning much sooner than anticipated. A few of them even emailed me back and told me that they were so excited to see me again. I was so excited to see them and all I want is to be there. 

The very night that I get the all clear from my doctors, and after I sent that email to my district, I find myself waking up to my muscles spazzing and tremoring for the first time in 12 days. The next TWO days I was super lightheaded and dizzy all the time. Again, I was just so frustrated.. 

I've been praying a lot this week. I just feel so much pressure and stress about being home because 1) I dont want to be here, and 2) I cant plan for anything. I don't know when I will get to leave so I cant say for sure that I can attend events in April or May. I can't plan on diving into a calling because at any time, I could get the phone call to return. I feel the pressure to speed through my classes because what if I have to leave and I'm not finished? 

My body was failing me, then it was fine. Then it was failing me, then again, it was just fine. CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON PLEASE. 

I realized something though this week that led me to make some decisions. I had been praying for something to help me through this process. I had asked my heavenly father to help me to return as quickly as possible. Yet, every time I think about WHEN I can return, HOW I will get to that point, and WHY its taking such a long time, I get uneasy and anxious. Its a righteous desire, to return right away, but it stressed me out to no end. Again, I couldn't plan on anything. I couldn't promise anything either. And as soon as I felt healthy enough to return, my body would tell me otherwise and I would get upset and angry again.  I just wanted to do what I wanted. And that still wasnt what Heavenly Father wanted. 

So, I started thinking about the idea of staying longer. I started getting in the mindset of staying until the first of June, completing the dreaded 6 months of being home. I hated the thought, but honestly, I felt so much peace about it. 

Those of you who read my emails immediately after I returned home will remember that being told I was stuck here for 6 months was my worst nightmare. I was convinced I wasn't going to survive such a time away from my mission. Yet, here I am, feeling at peace about that decision. 

I counseled with my parents and some family. 'Ive been in contact with my Stake President. We all feel as though this is what Heavenly Father wants for me. 

Its incredible that the one thing I didn't want more than anything at all, proved to also be the one thing that made me feel more at peace than everything else. 

So, unless Heavenly Father makes another major change in my plans ( Something he has a tendency to do lately, haha ), the new plan is to stick around until the first of June. I am upset that my mission seems so much farther away, but somehow.. I'm learning to be okay with that. I know I will be a much better missionary for having to wait. For having to fight the great fight to return. And even though I could be there right now, Ill be all the more grateful to be there then. 

Last Tuesday, I wrote up this entry that I wanted to share with you in conclusion to this lengthy email ( Sorry! ). 

Tuesday, January 9th

So, I sent out and email literally just yesterday, but I already have some things I just need to get off of my chest. Today is Tuesday and it was a fairly normal day. I did about 5 hours of my independant study courses, had dinner with my cousins, and played mario cart with my family. Tomorrow I have one more appointment and I will hopefully get some results..

I was over at my place just sitting on the couch by myself. Out of the blue I just started panicking. I don't know where it came from but it was as if I was still in the MTC, just being told that I was going home early panic. 

I was sitting there and I just started sobbing because nothing seemed real to me. I wasn't actually at home, THIS wasn't happening to me. I was completely overwhelmed out of nowhere. 

As the weeks have slowly gone by, I have come to terms with the reality of my situation and, in some instances, have even learned to be okay with it. My health would be problematic, but then it wouldn't. My body will start to feel weird again, and then the next day it would be fine. Emotionally, I've been SO much better lately and my mind has shifted from what could have been, to what could be. 

But again, tonight I just lost my mind a little bit. I miss my mission. I miss it a lot. 

Its really hard not to think about what I WOULD have been doing if I were there right now, at this very moment in time. I think back to my first day at the MTC often and ask myself if I would have done anything differently if I went in knowing I would be sent home only 3 and a half weeks later. Was there anything I could have done to fight this? Was there anything I could have said that I didn't say? If I had made ANY of these changes at all would I still be wearing my nametag right now? 

I could have tried harder. Or maybe I could have prayed more. I could have participated more in class and could have asked more questions. I could have feasted upon the words of Christ and I could have studied his doctrine more often. I could have served my district and could have attended the temple EVERY P day. I could've packed with all of my sisters in preparation for our MTC departure. I could've said goodbye to my teachers Sister Pito and Brother Chueng formally. I could have sincerely thanked them. I could have woken up at 3 am to board the flight to Pittsburgh with my district. I could have arrived with my new family and could've met President and Sister Bednar. I could've shaken his hand and with a smile on my face, introduced myself as Sister Westover from Springfield Oregon, prepared to serve with all of my heart. But I didnt. I could have done all of this. I could still be there. 

But up until this evening, whenever I thought about the MTC or my mission at home, it was never what COULD have been. It was always what WAS. 

My Mission was waking up at 3 am in Springfield to board a flight to Provo Utah on November 14th, 2017. My Mission was saying goodbye to my family for three and a half weeks. My Mission was meeting my beautiful companion Sister Skinner on November 15th, 2017 and learning that she and I made a wonderful pair. My Mission was realizing that my district was made up of some of the most incredible people I have ever been blessed to meet. My Mission was sitting on the edge of my seat when Brother Chueng hopped up on his soap box, ready to take as many notes as possible. My Mission was Thanksgiving in the MTC, service, and study. My Mission was Sister Peterson's closet and the 33 skirts she brought with her. My Mission was Sister Hills laughter when she read the Book of Mormon as if Elder Lopez was reading it. My Mission was learning to never let my feet hang off of the top bunk for fear of Sister Skinner tickling them. My Mission was singing hymns in the shower stalls with Sister Willes every morning. My Mission was discovering that I could NEVER be companions with Sister Green because we keep laughing at each others faces. My Mission was watching Elder Norton draw the hand of God during a devotional. My Mission was wishing Elder Hale a Happy Birthday EVERY single day because everyone apparently always forgets to. My Mission was admiring Elder Vimahi and his quiet strength in all things. My Mission was teaching a discussion with my companion to Elder Guinn and feeling as though just maybe, we could actually do this. My Mission was chocolate milk and ice cream. It was volleyball and kickball. It was battling a health issue that came out of nowhere. It was having faith that Heavenly Father was aware of me and was aware of my desires. It was missing classes in order to listen to what my body was telling me. It was going to doctors appointments. It was meeting with counselors. It was getting blood drawn and picking up prescriptions. It was finding myself in a position where a choice had to be made. 

My Mission was three and a half weeks long. My Mission was to go home early. 

Right now, if you asked me what I would have changed, the only thing I would probably tell you is that I wish I never had to come home. 

But, if staying out meant that my MTC experience was different in any way.. I'm not really sure that I would change anything at all. 

My Mission IS learning to trust God. My Mission is discovering what my motivation is and why I want this. My Mission is allowing myself to be upset and to hurt for a while. My Mission is to stop worrying about tomorrow and to focus on today. 

My Mission is right here and right now. My Mission is hard. My Mission is painful. But its MY Mission. 

My Mission isn't all that it could have been. But it IS all that it should be. 

Sister Westover 

A Health and Life update

Hi all!

Sorry I didnt get an email out for last week. I honestly wrote one up but it turned into more of a conversation TO myself about the things I need to re focus on. I almost sent it, but it was kinda weird to be honest. So, Ill re cap as much as I remember about the past 2 weeks. 

I had Christmas with my family this year. It was really hard for me because that was something I had really looked forward to as a missionary in the field... Skyping home and receiving a special package from my family...serving and testifying of Christ. Anyways, it was tough but it was also necessary.

That week was kinda brutal on me. That Wednesday I went to my Neurologist for the first time, Doctor Clark. A woman in our ward referred us to him because he was LDS and was super awesome. I am SOOO grateful because this doctor has turned out to be a lifesaver. I went in and he did a quick physical exam and we just talked about the situation. I repeated the same story for the thousandth time.. there was a massage.. couldn't feel my body.. Ambulance ride.. it kept happening.. got sent home.. cried a lot.. and its still happening.. please help.. SOS... etc etc.

He ordered more tests to be done to rule out some of the more serious causes. We went to schedule the tests he ordered and it was a huge tender mercy because they could get me in to do the blood work on the SAME day and they scheduled a brainwave test, EEG, the following day. This ladies and gentleman is simply unheard of in the medical world. Usually its weeks! Not days! Such a blessing.

So, I went in immediately after to get a bunch of blood drawn, but as I mentioned in previous emails, I have TINY VEINS. EVERY SINGLE TIME I get blood drawn, they miss my vein and start digging for it so I end up super bruised and they have to try it somewhere else anyways. I went into this already super lightheaded but dismissed it because I was tired of telling people I didn't feel good. Yeah, stupid mistake.

After she finally got blood to come out of my hand, I waited and waited for her to be done taking the samples, she took it out, and I totally started blacking out and falling over. What a blast!! We spent another 20 minutes there while I regained my strength and consciousness so my Dad could try to half walk me and half carry me out. 

Super glad that was over and I went home to sleep off the dizziness. The next day, I had an EEG brainwave test. I went into a separate room with a huge machine with cords all over and a little bed off to the side. I was in there with a nurse for 2 hours. She put this medical net on my head with little electrodes all over it and stuck each one to my scalp. The net was previously soaking in Johnsons baby shampoo so at least I smelled good right? 

She did some weird tests.. She asked me to close my eyes and to look in different directions. Its like she could tell where I was looking because of the machine. It was CRAZY! She then needed me to do a hyperventilation test and I had to breathe really heavily nonstop for three whole minutes and I warned her that I do have a tendency to pass out lately. It was also a BLAST. I love getting super dizzy at the hospital! After that she had me lay on the bed for 45 minutes and asked me to try to sleep so she could monitor my brain activity. Luckily (And unluckily) my body started spazzing a little bit, not a lot, but enough to hopefully pick something up on the machine.

The day immediately after that, I had scheduled an appointment with an LDS family services counselor and he was really awesome. He just listened to everything going on RIGHT NOW. I didn't have to tell him about the health issues. I could just talk about the fact that I was home from my mission and we worked through the feelings of anger and disappointment. It was amazing and SO needed.

Okay, so 2 weeks ago I was basically really sick and in bed most of the time. BUT last week was pretty crazy too! 

Another tender mercy happened! My grandma called my Mom one day and said she was reading the Ensign, (The January 2018 issue) and there was an article in it about returning home early from a mission!!!  This sister returned, get this, three and a half weeks into the MTC due to health issues. Is this article about me?? I was amazed. She offered some great advice about how to keep yourself busy while trying to get back out on your mission. In fact, because of the article, I signed up for three BYU independant study courses. I'm taking all religion classes so I can get a head start on those credits, but also so I can stay focused on my missionary goal. Such a blessing!! 

Last Wednesday, I had another appointment up in Albany for a spine and a neck MRI with and without contrast. Okay, wait contrast? What on Earth does that mean?? Well. Let me tell you. 

I go in, and they do the MRI for about 30 to 45 minutes. Great, I can go now? NOPE. They needed to do the entire MRI over now, WITH what is called contrast. Okay??? 

I shortly found out that I was about to get stuck with a few more needles. They had to inject a special high contrast dye in my bloodstream so it would show up in the pictures of the MRI. And yes, the nurse missed my veins twice. The second time, she really DUG into my hand and it was SO painful but she really thought she could get it. NOPE. Because she missed, she injected a nice pool of dye in my hand and it started swelling and turned blue over time because of bruising. Fun right?? After waiting a few minutes, she tried once more and thank heavens she got it! We were both rejoicing, haha. 

Other than the day I got that MRI done, last week I felt SO good. Almost normal even! It was seriously such a great blessing from my heavenly father. I really needed to focus on what is most important. I was so focused on how I was feeling the week before, that I found myself no longer caring what the outcome was in the long term. I just wanted to sleep all the time. Mission, no mission.. mission? Maybe not? Honestly I didn't know why all of a sudden I was questioning that decision. So last week, with my health back up, I really focused on my purpose as a missionary. And holy cow I just want to go RIGHT NOW SERIOUSLY. 

A Sister from my district in the MTC sent me the sweetest package a while ago. I opened the mailbox, saw her name on it and started weeping. Sister Willes is one of the kindest and most thoughtful people ever and I seriously love her a lot. She got me a music composition book and its just beautiful. 

We had originally scheduled to follow up with my neurologist on February 12th. Almost a month from now. 

My Mom stopped by their office just to let them know we had finished all of the tests when the lady up front said, "I know we have you scheduled for February, but Doctor Clark but Charlotte's name on his emergency list. He can get her in on Wednesday if you would like." We absolutely rescheduled right then and there. I feel so blessed. Heavenly Father is looking out for me and I am grateful that my neurologist is so understanding of how important returning on my mission is to me. He even put me on an emergency list that had very few spots. 

So, this Wednesday, I get some real results!! I honestly don't even know what to expect at this point. Do I want them to find something? I mean, yeah kinda.. But I also really don't.. Because if we can sign off on this being some injury that has gone away or has started to heal itself, I might as well already be on a plane with a nametag close to my heart. 

Brothers and Sisters I love you dearly. Thank you so much for being with me on this journey. I didn't realize how many of you read these emails and are caught up with my story until I didn[t get one sent out last week, haha. 

I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true. Just saying his name will often bring me to tears. In the MTC, I was taught that whenever we say Christs name in a sacred setting, the spirit will ALWAYS enter the room. 

I am also so grateful for the opportunity I get to REALLY study the Book of Mormon while doing these online classes. I can testify to you that this Book is the most correct book of any on the Earth. And that by prayerfully reading and studying it, we can come to know for ourselves that the spirit teaches, Christ lives, and God loves. 

Cant wait to see what this "unexpected" road will take me on next. Thanks for coming with me 

Love ya!

Sister Westover 

Christmas at home and Let it Go

Really difficult week and I just need to be honest. I have no clue what I am doing anymore. 

It's essentially pretty simple to keep up the emails and to talk about hard things that are going on. I actually quite enjoy the weekly pep talk I feel like I'm giving as a strength to others, when in reality it's helping me work through things for myself. 

You talk first about the exciting things that happened, and then you talk about some of the more difficult moments in your week.   You acknowledge God's tender mercies and remember them when you are talking about the darker times you had.   BUT no matter how horrible the week was or how hard it was to go through a few tough things, you wrap up your email, praising Christ, trusting God, and sharing hope. 

Today, obviously I would like to write in the same way, but I also want you to know that there are SO many moments when I just don't feel that pure love. It isn't always peaches and cream at the end of a difficult week. Happy endings don't ALWAYS come one week after you went through that storm.  I can't always bring myself to say that I know that if I trust God, things will work out. I'm stubborn sometimes. I don't always trust God and hand over the reins just like that. I like to hold on tight until I have a handle on a situation that is seemingly spiraling out of control. Then, I like to let God tell me I did a good job by sending me blessings after I made it through the fire. I'm enduring to the end, am I not? 

But what if the initial fire and turmoil "gifted" to us, isn't the REAL trial at all? Yeah, it's hard and we will absolutely learn from it, but what if God has another more valuable "gift," wrapped up from within the big one? 

I'm using this "gift" analogy mostly because of the holiday, but let me give you an example as to what I mean. 

A little over two weeks ago, I was sent home early from my mission. I left the MTC, agonizing over this new change in my plans, said goodbye to the district I grew to love, and came home to friends and family that I wasn't supposed to see again for another 17 months.   I'm HOME. And I never thought being in such a place of security and comfort would fill me with such anguish and uneasiness. Distraction is a beautiful thing when everything around you is a reminder of where you COULD be, when you aren't. 

This week has been filled with more questions and speculations as to what could be wrong health wise. Still no solid answers, but lots and lots of opinions.. which could be a good thing, but right now? I could care less about what's wrong. I just want back out and for some reason, if I just try hard enough to make this stop on my own, I start thinking I will get back out sooner. I start thinking that by shear will alone, I will get my wish.

More emotional breakdowns this week than last. More of me trying to hold things together and to act like I have a plan in place. More and more trying to find joy in the ugliness of today, when all I want to do is to sit and to allow myself to be upset. Why can't I just let this be hard right now? Why can't I just curl up into a ball and cry over something that I have already cried about on multiple occasions? Yeah, I wish I could've moved on from this and let it go too, but right now, I just can't. 

More serving with the sister missionaries this week. I love them to pieces. They help to fill even the smallest desire to continue serving like I thought I would be doing in PA. As fun and as beautiful as this opportunity is, I can't help but wish I was wearing MY nametag. I could introduce myself as Sister Westover. But instead, my name is Charlotte, a member on splits. 

Received emails notifying me that my missionary email would be shut down if I was home for more than 6 months. Received a phone call from the missionary department, thanking me for my service as a missionary. They sent me two more emails with talks from general authorities about readjusting to life after serving a full time mission. I'm sure you can just imagine my thought process when I received these things. I'll let you decide how I reacted instead of me writing it out here, haha. 

Today, I wished I was having my first Christmas as a missionary. I wished I was having dinners with those members, I wished I was skyping my family from the other side of the country, I wished my companion and I could open up stockings and gifts from our families together.   Instead, I learned to ignore the notifications sent to me from my facebook missionary page showing all of these families seeing their missionary on a big screen on this Christmas day. Well, guess what?? I get to see my family in person on Christmas day. Beat that.. 

Even still, being home doesnt seem like the better option here. 

What can I say. I MISS my MISSION. And being HERE hurts a lot. 

Back to my silly gift analogy though, I did have a point to that. I think...

I do know that God loves us and knows us individually. As I mentioned before, I am fairly independent and want to take control of a situation gone wrong. I feel like I can fix it and then things will be okay. 

Heavenly Father knows that about me. He knows that I am aware that He is asking me to go through something hard, and am expecting to reap the promised blessings after all is said and done. 

But I haven't even begun to tackle the REAL task he is asking me to work at. I don't think coming home and feeling such emotion or loss is the biggest piece of this puzzle that needs to be solved. 

I'm embarrassed to admit that I have not yet heeded the advice given in my own favorite song. 

I haven't stopped holding on so tight to something that I can't control and never could control in the first place. 

I haven't trusted God enough to take me where I need to go. I haven't allowed him to absolutely take charge of each moment and situation. 

If Heavenly Father needs me to go to college, I pull back and tell him I want THIS instead. 

If Heavenly Father needs me to be patient and let myself heal, I get angry and wonder why all the tests have come back clear. 

If Heavenly Father says, Charlotte, I need you to stay here for 6 months or longer.. I start to get scared. 

I start to question why I'm fighting so hard for something that was yanked out from underneath me. 

Brothers and Sisters, this week I am going to try to simply "Let it Go." 

Christmas Eve with my family

I can't promise at all that I will have come to terms with my current state of being right where I am by the end of the week. I can't promise I will be perfectly okay with whatever the wait may be to return to my mission. I can't promise I will be satisfied with whatever the doctors and counselors tell me.

But I do promise that I'm going to try. 

I gave God permission to mold me into who he needed me to be before I left home. Which means that this moment of my life right now, must clearly be an answer to my own heartfelt prayer. 

How could I possibly reject such a personal gift from my Eternal Father? 

Brothers and Sisters, I know it isn't going to be easy, but I have to see this trial as just that, a gift. And I would never reject a gift, especially from God himself. THAT much I can promise you for sure. 

Hope you had a verry merry Christmas!!! Also thanks for letting me just journal about everything basically in email form. It really does feel good. 

Here are some pictures from my week! 

Love you all.

Sister Charlotte Westover