A long term decision and being at peace

Brothers and Sisters! Today is Monday, January 15th, which marks exactly two months since I entered the MTC. 

Well, its been a really crazy week. As I mentioned in my last email, it was also an important week because on Wednesday, I got results from all of the medical tests I did. Before I get into that though, I wanted to reiterate how much I love my Father in Heaven. He has been with me every step of the way and often, I never thank him or recognize until later that He was the reason things worked out. I just wanted to challenge you to remember him in all that you do. When you make hard decisions, counsel with him first. If you do so, I promise the decision you make will always be the right one. 

So! Wednesday was a big day!! I went into the appointment at around 4:00 and I was the last one in the office for the day. Doctor Clark looked through all of my scans, bloodwork, and the EEG. He did another quick physical exam in the room and then we sat and talked for a bit. 

I wasnt really sure what to think or to expect. I didn't want anything to be wrong of course, but I really didn't want NOTHING to be wrong either. Again, it was another opportunity for me to let Heavenly Father take charge and let me trust his planning more fully. 

Well, I got what I wanted, but I also got what I didn't want. The tests came back all clear. Everything was completely normal and there was no medical explanation at this point for what had been going on. But, I was also told by my counselor that he didn't think it was anxiety related?

Luckily, It didn't seem to really matter because the doctor told us that as soon as we were ready, he would sign it off so we could start the process of a speedy return. Which of course was exciting and I was thrilled, but also I was questioning everything. Why did I even get sent home? If Heavenly Father knew this would only be a temporary illness and that it would've started healing itself, why was I sent home at all? 

I very quickly got myself excited for a speedy return rather than asking why I was home.. I emailed my district in PA that very night about the results and I told them that I would be returning much sooner than anticipated. A few of them even emailed me back and told me that they were so excited to see me again. I was so excited to see them and all I want is to be there. 

The very night that I get the all clear from my doctors, and after I sent that email to my district, I find myself waking up to my muscles spazzing and tremoring for the first time in 12 days. The next TWO days I was super lightheaded and dizzy all the time. Again, I was just so frustrated.. 

I've been praying a lot this week. I just feel so much pressure and stress about being home because 1) I dont want to be here, and 2) I cant plan for anything. I don't know when I will get to leave so I cant say for sure that I can attend events in April or May. I can't plan on diving into a calling because at any time, I could get the phone call to return. I feel the pressure to speed through my classes because what if I have to leave and I'm not finished? 

My body was failing me, then it was fine. Then it was failing me, then again, it was just fine. CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON PLEASE. 

I realized something though this week that led me to make some decisions. I had been praying for something to help me through this process. I had asked my heavenly father to help me to return as quickly as possible. Yet, every time I think about WHEN I can return, HOW I will get to that point, and WHY its taking such a long time, I get uneasy and anxious. Its a righteous desire, to return right away, but it stressed me out to no end. Again, I couldn't plan on anything. I couldn't promise anything either. And as soon as I felt healthy enough to return, my body would tell me otherwise and I would get upset and angry again.  I just wanted to do what I wanted. And that still wasnt what Heavenly Father wanted. 

So, I started thinking about the idea of staying longer. I started getting in the mindset of staying until the first of June, completing the dreaded 6 months of being home. I hated the thought, but honestly, I felt so much peace about it. 

Those of you who read my emails immediately after I returned home will remember that being told I was stuck here for 6 months was my worst nightmare. I was convinced I wasn't going to survive such a time away from my mission. Yet, here I am, feeling at peace about that decision. 

I counseled with my parents and some family. 'Ive been in contact with my Stake President. We all feel as though this is what Heavenly Father wants for me. 

Its incredible that the one thing I didn't want more than anything at all, proved to also be the one thing that made me feel more at peace than everything else. 

So, unless Heavenly Father makes another major change in my plans ( Something he has a tendency to do lately, haha ), the new plan is to stick around until the first of June. I am upset that my mission seems so much farther away, but somehow.. I'm learning to be okay with that. I know I will be a much better missionary for having to wait. For having to fight the great fight to return. And even though I could be there right now, Ill be all the more grateful to be there then. 

Last Tuesday, I wrote up this entry that I wanted to share with you in conclusion to this lengthy email ( Sorry! ). 

Tuesday, January 9th

So, I sent out and email literally just yesterday, but I already have some things I just need to get off of my chest. Today is Tuesday and it was a fairly normal day. I did about 5 hours of my independant study courses, had dinner with my cousins, and played mario cart with my family. Tomorrow I have one more appointment and I will hopefully get some results..

I was over at my place just sitting on the couch by myself. Out of the blue I just started panicking. I don't know where it came from but it was as if I was still in the MTC, just being told that I was going home early panic. 

I was sitting there and I just started sobbing because nothing seemed real to me. I wasn't actually at home, THIS wasn't happening to me. I was completely overwhelmed out of nowhere. 

As the weeks have slowly gone by, I have come to terms with the reality of my situation and, in some instances, have even learned to be okay with it. My health would be problematic, but then it wouldn't. My body will start to feel weird again, and then the next day it would be fine. Emotionally, I've been SO much better lately and my mind has shifted from what could have been, to what could be. 

But again, tonight I just lost my mind a little bit. I miss my mission. I miss it a lot. 

Its really hard not to think about what I WOULD have been doing if I were there right now, at this very moment in time. I think back to my first day at the MTC often and ask myself if I would have done anything differently if I went in knowing I would be sent home only 3 and a half weeks later. Was there anything I could have done to fight this? Was there anything I could have said that I didn't say? If I had made ANY of these changes at all would I still be wearing my nametag right now? 

I could have tried harder. Or maybe I could have prayed more. I could have participated more in class and could have asked more questions. I could have feasted upon the words of Christ and I could have studied his doctrine more often. I could have served my district and could have attended the temple EVERY P day. I could've packed with all of my sisters in preparation for our MTC departure. I could've said goodbye to my teachers Sister Pito and Brother Chueng formally. I could have sincerely thanked them. I could have woken up at 3 am to board the flight to Pittsburgh with my district. I could have arrived with my new family and could've met President and Sister Bednar. I could've shaken his hand and with a smile on my face, introduced myself as Sister Westover from Springfield Oregon, prepared to serve with all of my heart. But I didnt. I could have done all of this. I could still be there. 

But up until this evening, whenever I thought about the MTC or my mission at home, it was never what COULD have been. It was always what WAS. 

My Mission was waking up at 3 am in Springfield to board a flight to Provo Utah on November 14th, 2017. My Mission was saying goodbye to my family for three and a half weeks. My Mission was meeting my beautiful companion Sister Skinner on November 15th, 2017 and learning that she and I made a wonderful pair. My Mission was realizing that my district was made up of some of the most incredible people I have ever been blessed to meet. My Mission was sitting on the edge of my seat when Brother Chueng hopped up on his soap box, ready to take as many notes as possible. My Mission was Thanksgiving in the MTC, service, and study. My Mission was Sister Peterson's closet and the 33 skirts she brought with her. My Mission was Sister Hills laughter when she read the Book of Mormon as if Elder Lopez was reading it. My Mission was learning to never let my feet hang off of the top bunk for fear of Sister Skinner tickling them. My Mission was singing hymns in the shower stalls with Sister Willes every morning. My Mission was discovering that I could NEVER be companions with Sister Green because we keep laughing at each others faces. My Mission was watching Elder Norton draw the hand of God during a devotional. My Mission was wishing Elder Hale a Happy Birthday EVERY single day because everyone apparently always forgets to. My Mission was admiring Elder Vimahi and his quiet strength in all things. My Mission was teaching a discussion with my companion to Elder Guinn and feeling as though just maybe, we could actually do this. My Mission was chocolate milk and ice cream. It was volleyball and kickball. It was battling a health issue that came out of nowhere. It was having faith that Heavenly Father was aware of me and was aware of my desires. It was missing classes in order to listen to what my body was telling me. It was going to doctors appointments. It was meeting with counselors. It was getting blood drawn and picking up prescriptions. It was finding myself in a position where a choice had to be made. 

My Mission was three and a half weeks long. My Mission was to go home early. 

Right now, if you asked me what I would have changed, the only thing I would probably tell you is that I wish I never had to come home. 

But, if staying out meant that my MTC experience was different in any way.. I'm not really sure that I would change anything at all. 

My Mission IS learning to trust God. My Mission is discovering what my motivation is and why I want this. My Mission is allowing myself to be upset and to hurt for a while. My Mission is to stop worrying about tomorrow and to focus on today. 

My Mission is right here and right now. My Mission is hard. My Mission is painful. But its MY Mission. 

My Mission isn't all that it could have been. But it IS all that it should be. 

Sister Westover 

A Health and Life update

Hi all!

Sorry I didnt get an email out for last week. I honestly wrote one up but it turned into more of a conversation TO myself about the things I need to re focus on. I almost sent it, but it was kinda weird to be honest. So, Ill re cap as much as I remember about the past 2 weeks. 

I had Christmas with my family this year. It was really hard for me because that was something I had really looked forward to as a missionary in the field... Skyping home and receiving a special package from my family...serving and testifying of Christ. Anyways, it was tough but it was also necessary.

That week was kinda brutal on me. That Wednesday I went to my Neurologist for the first time, Doctor Clark. A woman in our ward referred us to him because he was LDS and was super awesome. I am SOOO grateful because this doctor has turned out to be a lifesaver. I went in and he did a quick physical exam and we just talked about the situation. I repeated the same story for the thousandth time.. there was a massage.. couldn't feel my body.. Ambulance ride.. it kept happening.. got sent home.. cried a lot.. and its still happening.. please help.. SOS... etc etc.

He ordered more tests to be done to rule out some of the more serious causes. We went to schedule the tests he ordered and it was a huge tender mercy because they could get me in to do the blood work on the SAME day and they scheduled a brainwave test, EEG, the following day. This ladies and gentleman is simply unheard of in the medical world. Usually its weeks! Not days! Such a blessing.

So, I went in immediately after to get a bunch of blood drawn, but as I mentioned in previous emails, I have TINY VEINS. EVERY SINGLE TIME I get blood drawn, they miss my vein and start digging for it so I end up super bruised and they have to try it somewhere else anyways. I went into this already super lightheaded but dismissed it because I was tired of telling people I didn't feel good. Yeah, stupid mistake.

After she finally got blood to come out of my hand, I waited and waited for her to be done taking the samples, she took it out, and I totally started blacking out and falling over. What a blast!! We spent another 20 minutes there while I regained my strength and consciousness so my Dad could try to half walk me and half carry me out. 

Super glad that was over and I went home to sleep off the dizziness. The next day, I had an EEG brainwave test. I went into a separate room with a huge machine with cords all over and a little bed off to the side. I was in there with a nurse for 2 hours. She put this medical net on my head with little electrodes all over it and stuck each one to my scalp. The net was previously soaking in Johnsons baby shampoo so at least I smelled good right? 

She did some weird tests.. She asked me to close my eyes and to look in different directions. Its like she could tell where I was looking because of the machine. It was CRAZY! She then needed me to do a hyperventilation test and I had to breathe really heavily nonstop for three whole minutes and I warned her that I do have a tendency to pass out lately. It was also a BLAST. I love getting super dizzy at the hospital! After that she had me lay on the bed for 45 minutes and asked me to try to sleep so she could monitor my brain activity. Luckily (And unluckily) my body started spazzing a little bit, not a lot, but enough to hopefully pick something up on the machine.

The day immediately after that, I had scheduled an appointment with an LDS family services counselor and he was really awesome. He just listened to everything going on RIGHT NOW. I didn't have to tell him about the health issues. I could just talk about the fact that I was home from my mission and we worked through the feelings of anger and disappointment. It was amazing and SO needed.

Okay, so 2 weeks ago I was basically really sick and in bed most of the time. BUT last week was pretty crazy too! 

Another tender mercy happened! My grandma called my Mom one day and said she was reading the Ensign, (The January 2018 issue) and there was an article in it about returning home early from a mission!!!  This sister returned, get this, three and a half weeks into the MTC due to health issues. Is this article about me?? I was amazed. She offered some great advice about how to keep yourself busy while trying to get back out on your mission. In fact, because of the article, I signed up for three BYU independant study courses. I'm taking all religion classes so I can get a head start on those credits, but also so I can stay focused on my missionary goal. Such a blessing!! 

Last Wednesday, I had another appointment up in Albany for a spine and a neck MRI with and without contrast. Okay, wait contrast? What on Earth does that mean?? Well. Let me tell you. 

I go in, and they do the MRI for about 30 to 45 minutes. Great, I can go now? NOPE. They needed to do the entire MRI over now, WITH what is called contrast. Okay??? 

I shortly found out that I was about to get stuck with a few more needles. They had to inject a special high contrast dye in my bloodstream so it would show up in the pictures of the MRI. And yes, the nurse missed my veins twice. The second time, she really DUG into my hand and it was SO painful but she really thought she could get it. NOPE. Because she missed, she injected a nice pool of dye in my hand and it started swelling and turned blue over time because of bruising. Fun right?? After waiting a few minutes, she tried once more and thank heavens she got it! We were both rejoicing, haha. 

Other than the day I got that MRI done, last week I felt SO good. Almost normal even! It was seriously such a great blessing from my heavenly father. I really needed to focus on what is most important. I was so focused on how I was feeling the week before, that I found myself no longer caring what the outcome was in the long term. I just wanted to sleep all the time. Mission, no mission.. mission? Maybe not? Honestly I didn't know why all of a sudden I was questioning that decision. So last week, with my health back up, I really focused on my purpose as a missionary. And holy cow I just want to go RIGHT NOW SERIOUSLY. 

A Sister from my district in the MTC sent me the sweetest package a while ago. I opened the mailbox, saw her name on it and started weeping. Sister Willes is one of the kindest and most thoughtful people ever and I seriously love her a lot. She got me a music composition book and its just beautiful. 

We had originally scheduled to follow up with my neurologist on February 12th. Almost a month from now. 

My Mom stopped by their office just to let them know we had finished all of the tests when the lady up front said, "I know we have you scheduled for February, but Doctor Clark but Charlotte's name on his emergency list. He can get her in on Wednesday if you would like." We absolutely rescheduled right then and there. I feel so blessed. Heavenly Father is looking out for me and I am grateful that my neurologist is so understanding of how important returning on my mission is to me. He even put me on an emergency list that had very few spots. 

So, this Wednesday, I get some real results!! I honestly don't even know what to expect at this point. Do I want them to find something? I mean, yeah kinda.. But I also really don't.. Because if we can sign off on this being some injury that has gone away or has started to heal itself, I might as well already be on a plane with a nametag close to my heart. 

Brothers and Sisters I love you dearly. Thank you so much for being with me on this journey. I didn't realize how many of you read these emails and are caught up with my story until I didn[t get one sent out last week, haha. 

I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true. Just saying his name will often bring me to tears. In the MTC, I was taught that whenever we say Christs name in a sacred setting, the spirit will ALWAYS enter the room. 

I am also so grateful for the opportunity I get to REALLY study the Book of Mormon while doing these online classes. I can testify to you that this Book is the most correct book of any on the Earth. And that by prayerfully reading and studying it, we can come to know for ourselves that the spirit teaches, Christ lives, and God loves. 

Cant wait to see what this "unexpected" road will take me on next. Thanks for coming with me 

Love ya!

Sister Westover